Tuesday, June 28, 2011

More on Marty

So as the subject line reads, I have managed to hang on to Marty. But not without a couple of freakouts. One of which was yesterday. We went somewhere nice, and I wore a dress. Afterwards, he decided spur-of-the-moment to do some outdoorsy stuff. And I'm in a dress. A mostly white dress. He's like, "Let's just go to Target and get some shorts." So we do. I tried on my size, and it didn't fit like it should. I was already on edge because he sprung this on me, and that brought me to full on panic attack mode. I was about to burst into tears in the store. We had to leave, and he took me home. I was really upset, because that whole situation could have been avoided if he'd only told me to bring casual clothes. But no, he doesn't like to plan.

I hate when I get like that. I used to have panic attacks all the time in college, and it was the reason a couple of guys eventually cut things off from me. I was just so stressed out back then. Now I'm working two jobs, so I might be there again. I'm very afraid, because I really don't want to lose Marty. Things just felt so out of control today, and I got really overwhelmed.

It's hard to explain that kind of thing to Marty. He's so happy-go-lucky all the time, and I really hope some of it will rub off on me. I feel like a little has already. He did mention that I seem happier than I did when we met. I should hope so. He's said some pretty critical things to me (he called me abrasive), and I feel like I'm just always apologizing to him.

Yesterday I told him that I'd never really felt anything like the orgasms I can sometimes have when I'm with him. It really scared me to tell him, but I think I knew a lot sooner. Remember the last entry, where I was trying to think of when the last time had been that I'd come that hard. I don't even know if it was as good with Ross the first time we tried bondage. I don't know if it was the same. He seemed surprised to hear that from me. He said he'd heard it before, but from girls who were less experienced than me. It was a loaded thing for me, but I'm not sure if he realized exactly how serious.

I'm trying to enjoy it, but I'm just so scared I'm going to mess it up. I really like him a lot.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Goodbye Ross, hello and goodbye Brent, and hello Marty

So Ross did the same thing he did 5 years ago - faded away. This time, it'll probably be for good. I'm not sure what he didn't like about me now, but I know I wasn't a fan of how much more reserved and insecure he seemed to have become. At any rate, he seemed to have lost interest toward the end of last year. Disappointing, but I guess not all that much of a surprise.

In February, I started seeing Brent. He was very different from lots of my exes. He was childfree, for one. But he had a lot of negatives: drug use, general irresponsibility, jerkiness. But it's so hard to find someone who is childfree, so I gave it a shot anyway. And I had been so lonely and bummed out due to other stuff going on in my life. It all ended because he just wasn't willing to do a few nice things for me, but he had no problem asking me to do things for him. Since I'm writing in this journal, I can say that the sex wasn't that good. It was...fine...I guess. I only got off a couple of times. And he didn't really have a high enough sex drive for me. One of the worst things was that he was so insecure about his body. He could have definitely stood to lose some weight, but the insecurity was more of a turnoff. He never wanted to be naked around me...which is weird, when you are sleeping with someone!

I wasn't too sad when things ended with him. He was kind of anti-social, so he hadn't gotten into my social circle yet. Most of my friends disliked him, especially Dean and Keenan, who I go out drinking with regularly, as I mentioned a few entries back. Once I had gone out for drinks with them, and Brent had gotten enraged and sent me a string of angry text messages. Dean especially hated him and wasn't shy about telling me.

But yeah, I was back to square one yet again. Since I don't have to worry about Brent's jealousy anymore, I've been going to the weekly get-togethers again. A few weeks ago, one of Dean's friends from middle school, Marty, joined us. I was surprised, since the last few weeks, it's just been Dean, Keenan, and me. And pleasantly surprised - Marty is attractive: blue eyes, blonde hair, slim cut body.

Of course, being the classy lady that I am, I immediately hit on him. But he was interested too, and he immediately set up a date for the following weekend. Impressive! He took me to one of my favorite bars. We had a ton of fun on the date, but I was shy and nervous, so I held back a little. Apparently a lot, as Marty was already halfway down the stairs before I asked him why the hell he hadn't gone for the goodnight kiss.

A few weeks later, I couldn't wait any longer. Marty seems to be a genuninely nice guy. Not the "nice guy" who is nice because he wants something. He actually seems very kind. And somehow hilarious and sarcastic too. Anyway, the first time was good, on par for my first time (good but no orgasm) with a new guy. Marty actually has the perfect sized cock too: bigger than average, but not too big.

However, things changed last Thursday evening. Marty is great at going down, and he was down there for awhile. I stopped him because I really just wanted to fuck him so badly after all that great oral. Now, here's something I didn't expect: the sex was mindblowing. I had to think about the last time I had an orgasm like that, and I am thinking maybe the first time Ross and I tried bondage? Over 5 years ago! I'm not kidding...my whole body came. It was amazing for him too, and he was even happier that he'd gotten me off so well, especially since we haven't been doing it that long.

Marty is a couple of years younger than me, and also a bit less experienced. So I'm not sure he has too many other tricks up his sleeve. (The amazing orgasm happened during MISSIONARY!) I did mention bondage to him, and of course, he hadn't tried it. We haven't used to vibe during yet either. We had another almost-repeat of that night when he woke up me up in the middle of the night for sex a couple of days ago. But almost no foreplay, so no dice for me. He was just...wow. One thing about him - he always seems surprised how tight I am down there. Thanks, kegels! And there have definitely been some guys bigger than him, but no complaints at ALL about his size.

I'll try and keep y'all posted.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

More on Ross

So, I'm just finally seeing Ross again. It sucks! This is a horrible time of the year to try to get to know someone. Everyone's busy with holiday parties and family stuff, and of course, it is way too soon for family stuff. Maybe in a year if he's still around, heh. And it doesn't help that I keep having social obligations that take me out of town.

Yesterday evening I went to Ross's apartment for the first time. That show Hoarders? He could be on there in a few years. So much stuff everywhere. And not all of it was even important stuff. A lot of it was just trash. For example, I think he had a corner with 5 12-pack soda boxes. Empty. And a trash that might not have been taken out in months. Didn't see any mold or bugs though, so that's a good sign. Sink full of dishes. Totally reeked of smoke, too. I hate that Ross smokes indoors. Ryan did too, but not always. His place didn't totally smell like it. Even Warren's place didn't smell that bad, and I think Warren smoked more, though not always around me. (Shockingly, the bathroom was not horrible!)

But I tried to be nice about it. I was like "WHOA" but then I said that it could be much worse. Wow, I'm subtle, I know, but I couldn't help it.

However, his whole living room set up, other than the mess, was pretty cool. Huge TV screen set up to be for movies or computer use. He still had our IM conversation up when I arrived. Awww.

We watched an ep of a show he wanted to introduce me to, and although it wasn't something I'd have picked (Deadwood), I enjoyed it. He did the whole back massage thing again, which I don't mind. I like backrubs, especially when hot guys are giving them to me. I was wearing a skirt (with thigh-highs, which he loved) when I was giving him a backrub, and it was a bit...revealing to say the least, to be straddling him, but I'm sure that turned him on a bit.

Then we got down to business. We kinda talked a bit about things that we like done to us, and he wanted me to give him some oral. I did, and it was a little rough, since he is so big. He told me I was exaggerating about the size, but seriously...I could not fit the whole thing in my mouth. After I'd been down there for awhile, he pulled me up, stopped me, and said, "I have to have you now!" It was raw and really hot. I came really quickly, since I hadn't gotten off in a couple of days, and he commented on it, that I seemed to be enjoying myself more than the last time. Well no kidding, I was so nervous then! I was nervous this time too, but not as much, and I suppose not masturbating for a few days helped. He finished a bit after.

Oh, and he has a twin bed. What? We could not get comfortable on the couch, even though he's rail-thin. He went to sleep in his room, and I slept on the coach. What the fuck?!? I asked him how he'd dealt with this when other girls had slept over, and he said sleeping in separate rooms. Man, that is one way in which my place is far superior. I rolled my eyes at him and said, "How romantic..."

I woke up pretty early in the morning (before 8). I heard him get up about half an hour later, and he came to lie down next to me, telling me he was cold and to warm him up. It was really cute. I had my hand on his chest, and he moved it down to his boxers (last time I swear it was boxer-briefs, but it was boxers this time. YAY!)...yes, I can take a hint. I blew him again, and I was actually going to finish the job, but man, it was taking awhile, and he is big, so I asked if there was anything extra I could do. He stopped me and just said he'd rather fuck, so we did. I got off again, and he did almost immediately after. That was pretty hot! And I didn't think I would.

We talked after about oral...I suggested that maybe sometime he return the favor, and he mentioned that he hadn't had a lot of experience with it. Ugh, really? I have to admit, that bummed me out a bit. I hate training guys when it comes to that. Maybe he won't be bad at it. I decided to save it for another time rather than during our morning sex.

He also paused before the first time we did it and asked if he needed to get a condom. I was like, "uhhh, of course." He replied that he didn't know if I was on birth control or not. I'm not, so I told him so, and he didn't of course put up a fight or anything. I didn't tell him that I had recently gone to the gyno and gotten a prescription for BC. I just started it today, so it wouldn't have been effective anyway. That prompted a conversation about well, just exactly how much unprotected sex had he had? And had he gotten checked out for diseases? He said he used condoms more than not, and he never had gotten tested, since he'd never had any symptoms...sigh. Am I the only one that paranoid about their junk? I guess not, since Ryan had been tested.

I've decided to tell him that I'll go on BC if he'll get tested. Obviously I might be at risk already, since I've gone down on him, but I think it'll just be a reward, since obviously we can still do oral, but not intercourse without the pill due to pregnancy risk. Besides, shouldn't he get checked anyway, for his own good? Nobody likes going to that kind of doctor, but it's a necessary evil.

I hung out for a bit longer, but I politely excused myself before 11am. I peeled my clothes off as soon as I got home; I really reeked of smoke.

We didn't do anything crazy. Not even me on top yet, though we did do doggystyle the last time. He does like to forcefully hold my wrists above my head sometimes during sex, which is pretty hot. We haven't done bondage again yet either. I'm really hoping to see him more often. Since it'd been so long since the first time, it was first date nervous all over again, which sucked. He's just so attractive that I get self-conscious. He did seem a bit more confident than before, though, which is nice. And another thing - he mentioned being picky, but that he liked me. Awwww.

One thing we recently had an argument is watching Pixar movies. I don't have any interest in them, even though he thinks I should give them a chance. Maybe I'll cut a deal with him...I'll watch a movie, if he'll let me clean his place for the same duration of time as the movie. I'm dying to tackle the pile of dishes in his sink...I figure at least if the place is a bit cleaner / emptier...maybe it'll be more aired out and pleasant to be in. For both of us. Plus, it'll be fun to clean. I'm so ridiculous...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Reunion with Ross

(Before I get started, little note about Dean. Last weekend, I went to his house, got drunk, totally hit on him. He rejected my advances. I ended up having to crash. However, the next morning, we had the best time hanging out for hours, just as friends. I'm grateful he was nice about it, even though he's clearly not interested in me. He even lent me DVDs and everything. He's not for me, but he's still a great guy.)

So obviously you can see how long Ross and I have been getting to know each other based upon the date of that last entry. Last night, after a couple of weeks of saying "not just yet" (before, I mentioned that he seemed less confident), we finally agreed to meet up. Yesterday afternoon, he showed some signs of hestitation. He said that he was concerned that it was mostly about sex and that we wouldn't have anything to say. So I proceeded talk to talk to him for an hour, and then I pointed it out and asked him that he give me a little freaking credit. So then he said he'd come over.

I mean, really. Yes, it was kind of about the sex. But honestly, didn't I say in that last entry that I would like something more substantial this time? He's really funny, and he's definitely smart. We both have "real" jobs now. I like that he's quieter than some of the guys I've dated recently (Ryan and Warren, just to name a couple). And I think I can make him happier. At least I want to try.

So he came over around 9. And looks-wise, he'd barely changed, just looked a bit older. And boy, was I nervous. We had a couple of beers, and then he said he'd really like a cigarette (ah, one of his negatives). So I suggested we run up to the gas station and grab another 6-pack, and he could get some cigs. We came back and had a couple more beers. We listened to some music and talked. He's really into board/card games, so he brought a couple, and we played one. It was only OK. I generally dislike playing games with guys, since I can get really competitive. But at only a couple of beers in, we were both clearly still nervous, so why not.

When we were done playing, he suggested we take a shot. At this point, it was like, 3am! (Well, really 2am, because of the time change.) Seriously, and he was worried that we wouldn't have anything to talk about?!? At this point, I was wondering if he was going to try anything at all. I had done a couple of my obvious flirt things, like touching him on the arm and stuff, and he hadn't really tried anything. So we took a shot. I was wearing a sweater, and the booze and the nervousness had started to warm me up, so I took off my sweater...underneath I was wearing a lacy cami. And at first, I was standing across from him, and afterwards, I kind of stood on the other side, next to him, but not touching.

Then he put his arm around me and grabbed my hand, pulling me closer. Yes, finally. I looked up at him, and he turned his head and kissed me. It was so nice. I didn't have any bad memories of kissing him back then, so I figured he was a good kisser, and I was right. And after talking all that time, online and offline, all the anticipation...it was amazing just to put my arms around him and kiss him. And even though he'd been smoking, his breath didn't taste like cigarettes.

We paused for a bit, and I looked up at him and just smiled. He said that he'd been wanting to do that for awhile now. I was like, "Well, you should have...is that why you suggested we take a shot?" He said yes. Aw. I kind of figured, but I wanted him to kiss me first...since he was the one who'd thought it was all about sex...I wanted to be sure he was sure. We kissed a bit more. We were pressed so tightly together that of course, I could feel him getting hard. He suggested that we uh, take the party elsewhere, so of course, I led him into my bedroom.

He suggested that we give each other back massages. Bring it on - what a semi-cheesy way to get us to take our shirts off, but I like massages, so I'm not complaining. It kind of made me think of "let's take a shot so we'll kiss"..."let's massage each other so we'll be topless." But well, I guess part of me also thought it was cute that he was nervous. So first him, then me...I was still wearing my bra, and at the end of it, he kind of started sliding the straps down...

So yeah, things got pretty hot. His...intentions became clearer when he mentioned he brought condoms! And he'd taken most of the stuff out of his pants pockets, but not those! Amusing. I even called him on it, and he admitted it was deliberate. So I asked him to if he was sure, since he was the one who was worried about it being all about sex. Of course, that prompted him to ask me, but uhhh...I was definitely game. It was kind of silly for me to ask at that point, probably, but I had to, just in case.

Yes, we ended up having sex. And shit, his cock was bigger than I remembered. Not the biggest I've seen (THAT was painful, every time), but just about as big as I enjoy handling. Any bigger and it would have been in the painful category. Lube was definitely required. I even told him that he couldn't possibly be surprised, and he admitted it was nothing new, of course. And wow, he felt amazing. I had at that point, had a few drinks, and as a result of that (and the fact that it was the first time after all that time), I didn't come. He lasted a bit and clearly was trying to last until after I came, which was great. After Warren, boy, was I grateful for a man with a nice big dick who actually knew how to use it.

During, he was uhh...clearly being careful not to hurt me. I told him not to worry about it, after we got started. I wanted him to be a bit forceful. Since he'd been a little shy before, I made sure to tell him how sexy he was. He kind of held my wrists down, and I said I liked it. And I did. Eventually, I let him know that I might not get there the first time and to just enjoy himself. So he came a bit later.

By then, it was around 5:15 (really 4:15), so we just chatted a bit and then crashed. One thing I told him was how much I loved his body. He's really rail-thin...he mentioned that he probably weighed around 135. He's almost or right at 6 feet tall. I'm 5'7, and this morning, I weighed 133. I told him I loved his arms...they're thin, but there's muscle there too, very lean but hard. He said some girls had given him a hard time about how slender he is, that nobody had ever gotten excited about him the way I do...what can I say? I like 'em lean. He's so very sexy.

No round 2 in the morning, which bummed me out a bit. I know before he mentioned that it was fine if I was looking for something more casual, and I hope that sleeping with him right away didn't make it just that and nothing more. I've been enjoying getting to know him, and I even made a comment that I think we already knew each other better this time around than we ever did then, and he agreed. I mean really, we'd already slept together before, so hopefully it wasn't that bad to jump right in bed. He mentioned that it'd been awhile for him, so he probably had a hard time stopping as well.

Anyway. Ross = success, and hopefully more success. After all, I didn't bust out the crazier lingerie just yet. And he didn't tie me up in any way...and I really, really want to do that again, since most guys aren't really receptive to it. And in general, I just want to be around him more. He's so funny, smart, sexy...and I like him more than anyone I know right now.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


OK, so there is absolutely no way I can not write about Ross in here, and we haven't even done anything yet. Well, not technically. Ross is a guy I dated 5 years ago, this time of year even. We lived on opposite sides of town, and neither of us liked to drive, so it was doomed. We both acknowledged this and decided to have a casual fling. It ended with Ross slowly breaking off contact, like many men do, instead of telling you they've lost interest. But could I really get mad? It wasn't serious. I was busy starting a new job (and started dating Will immediately afterwards), so I quickly filed him away in the "good" section.

Now, the details of our fling. We met online and talked a few times before, trying to feel things out. I found him extremely attractive, so that's another reason I agreed to a casual thing with him. And he was in a band, so as a girl who hadn't seen 25 yet, that was also attractive. We talked about our sexual tastes, and right off the bat, he asked if I was into bondage. I replied that I'd never tried it, but I wasn't turned off by the idea, either.

So yes, I went for it. And it was so much better than I thought it could be. Ross was just as good-looking in person, and he had a nice-sized cock: big, but not so large that it would be horrible without lube. The regular sex was great, and the bondage sex was extra great, since it was something new. We only hung out a few times, but I regret nothing.

I haven't had anyone get that kinky with me since. I've told some guys about bondage, but nobody was as enthusiastic about it as Ross, so it wasn't as fun for me. It's fun for me, but it's extra-fun when the guy's really into it too.

So last week, I was pleasantly surprised to see a message from Ross in my inbox. Just checking on me. We exchanged a few messages, and he ended it by saying that he wouldn't mind it if we kept writing. I'm thinking that I wouldn't mind it if he came over and tied me up! But I tried to play it cool and exchanged IM information.

We ended up talking for 4 hours the first time we reconnected. It was so fun. And he did slyly mention he had some new rope that he wanted to try out. I was still a bit coy. Then we started talking about sex clothes, since he was asking what else I'd done since him, and I told him about Will's fetish. He started asking for pics of my sexy outfits, but I didn't have any. So I told him he should let me know if he was interested in seeing them in person. He replied immediately that he was!

And get this - he is actually trying to get to know me! He had previously mentioned that he was looking for something more substantial these days, so I'm hopeful. It's a bit weird - I'm realizing how little I knew about him before. He's quieter than I realized, and his social life is lacking compared to mine, which is a little too crazy sometimes. We're both kind of quiet. He seems a bit bummed out about his life lately, and I want to help him be unbummed, whether it's in the bedroom or otherwise. After all, I helped Belle with that, after her divorce, so I can do it again!

We still haven't met up yet. After all this time, it's like starting over! I already told him I'd be nervous. He said he would be too. But one thing that hasn't changed at all is his sense of humor. He completely killed me with some of the things he's said in our limited amount of time that we've been reconnecting. He does seem a bit more serious than back then. But you know, I guess I didn't really know him that well.

I'm really hopeful. I haven't seen any new pics of him, though, but he's advised his body is still the same, which was almost unhealthy-rail-thin. Which I don't mind at all, naturally. Back then, I was attracted to him instantly, and I don't see that going away. And I'm not going to lie, I do like that he kept my phone number after all these years.

As for me on my own...it's been hard getting through the workdays. All I've gotten lately is Mark, and he doesn't even count. (He'd be offended by that, but I don't mean it's bad. I just can't get as into it with him.) I am so aroused just thinking about seeing him again...I've been hitting the vibe almost daily. Definitely will have to tonight. And I know I won't have the same problem with him that I had with Warren; Ross's sex drive is out of control, too.

It's kind of weird to be so nervous and excited for someone I've already slept with! But I really am with him, so far. I hope I have something good to write in here soon. It's been too long.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Martin and Dean

Yeah, so nothing happened with Matt. He stopped talking to me and stopped playing Words With Friends with me. Bummer city. Oh well.

With Warren...he talked me into hanging out a few more times. And each time I remembered why I didn't want to hang out with him. He brought out the worst in me. He would just get so wasted that he wouldn't be interested in even doing anything...ugh. It was never going to work. He got very upset when I wanted to stop seeing him, but he's stopped talking as much lately. I hope he's getting the idea that we're both better off with other people. I want him to be happy, but I don't think we'll ever make each other happy.

In the meantime, the only person I've slept with lately is Mark, my good friend. It's still only OK / silly / fun, but well...eh, he's already on the list, who cares.

OK, so let's dish about Martin. Martin is a friend I've had for most of this year. I think we met in Feb or March. He's in town during the week for business, but he lives across the country. A couple of months ago, a few of the people in our group of friends ended up crashing at a friend's (due to not wanting to drive after drinking), and we were both not THAT drunk...ended up making out. Didn't do anything else because there were people sleeping in the same room...bad! Nothing really came of that. I didn't push it. I mean he doesn't even live here, you know?

Well, last week he ended up missing his flight back home, so since most of his friends were on a camping trip, he asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner, since he didn't have any plans obviously, being in town unexpectedly for another evening. I said sure, why not? He had tried to get me to hang out at a concert the night before, but I hadn't really wanted to go (didn't care for the artist), and he'd guilt-tripped me for declining even though I didn't have other plans. So I figured I'd let him buy me some dinner to make up for his dicky guilt-trip.

I did NOT know, however, that we'd end up going downtown to the fanciest restaurant I've ever eaten at. I'm not kidding, the bill was more than half of my rent. Here's something about Martin - that is nothing unusual for him. He makes a LOT of money, and it's not exactly a secret. But this is the most any man has ever spent on me like...for anything. And let's not forget, I'm not even dating Martin.

But it was a little tricky, since we'd kissed that one night. We both knew the attraction was there. On the drive back to my place, he started kinda...tousling my hair. When we got back to my place, there was that awkwardness. But he went for the kiss. I was so wined and dined that I couldn't possibly say no. I climbed on his lap, and things got hot. But still clothed.

He then uhm, hinted that he wouldn't mind coming inside. And I'm thinking what, do I sleep with him? I mean, if this were a guy I was dating, of course I would. But I almost felt like...obligated, after that expensive dinner. And then I cringed. As I was sitting in his BMW convertible, I realized I didn't want him to see my dumpy little apartment. My dumpy apartment with my TV I've had for 8 years and my bed with a comforter I've had even longer. My couch that I got for free that I inherited from a former friend after she moved in with her boyfriend.

I freaked out and told him we couldn't. Then made a bunch of other awkward comments. He was clearly annoyed...not that he wasn't getting any, but that I was so self-conscious. But how could I not be?

And what was the point, anyway? I was just going to be his out-of-town fucktoy. I mean, he's not trying to date me. He could get someone much better looking than me, as he is smart, good-looking, and rolling in the dough. I don't mean this as an insult to myself - it's just a fact. The prettier women would probably be much easier than me, too. (Not as awesome, of course, and probably much less sassy.) It's like...why would he even bother putting work into trying to get into my pants?

And I felt bad too, for myself. Seriously, I do need to get laid. And he's a great kisser. Probably great in bed too. I already got a peek at his dick, and it's great. But I worry that I wouldn't keep trying to date someone if I were fucking him. Or would it not be a regular thing? There's no point in fucking someone just once; I'd feel so worthless. And of course, we'd still be seeing each other at the weekly group get-together. And then I'd feel weird if it were just once. And I couldn't stop going to the get-togethers either, since my other friends there would ask why I stopped going.

And also...there's a guy who is 3 1/2 years younger than me (Martin is my same age) who also goes to the weekly get-together, Dean. I find him sexy for some reason, though I am sure I'm not his type. He's super-nerdy, & I do have a weakness for nerds...but he's also not really someone I could date. He's into pot, which I hate. He also smokes in general, gross. But there is one huge cool thing about him - he is also childfree. Doesn't ever want children at all. (Martin does, of course.)

Once, when I was lamenting not being able to go out drinking (I recently got a DUI), Dean was like, "Oh, I'll pick you up and we can go to brunch!" Then he realized he would be out of town. He hasn't brought it up since. I keep hoping he will again. Again, I didn't really think he would be interested, but little things like that make me wonder. Also, I was telling him about a Halloween (yes, already) party that I'm attending, and he made a pouty face that he wasn't on the invite list (probably because our friend having the party doesn't have him on Facebook).

And also, of course, Dean and Martin hang out once a week at the get-together. Dean loves to make fun of Martin, and sometimes I'll join in. Martin, in a group, is normally "on"...as in, he's very outgoing and talkative. It's kind of a show, almost. But mostly I laugh because of course, I've hung out with Martin not in a crowd, and I know he's not really so like that. And I know what it's like to be "on" when in a group of friends, since I'm quieter in general.

So well...now that I've discussed them both...Dean is more where I am, financially...but honestly, going out to a fancy place was so nice. I wonder how Martin is feeling about the whole "I didn't put out" stuff...and if he'll want to take me out again or not. He already had mentioned doing something ridiculous and over-the-top for my birthday - getting a limousine so that nobody would have to drive. The idea of having a limousine is just...wow. I mean, I've never been in one. I didn't really have any ideas for my birthday, and it's a big one (30).

I mean, is this equivalent to having a sugar daddy? I'm not going to lie, I felt a little like a potential prostitute after the expensive dinner. But like, he's my age, of course, and I am attracted to him, so would it be horrible if he were to buy me some nice things? I don't know. I don't have any other friends with this kind of money, so I don't know how to handle it.

All I know is that I'm nervous about the next get-together.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Warren and Matt

So things didn't really work out with Warren. Because this stuff started right at the beginning of the holiday season, timing wasn't great. We tried. But at the end of the day, he just wasn't ready for a relationship, despite his initial declaration. He didn't talk to me for awhile, and eventually he admitted that he was afraid of being in a relationship. I told him that I understood...that if he ever found he did want one, that I was around. That we could keep seeing each other casually if he wanted, but I wasn't going to wait around for him either.

Lately he's been texting me or IMing me saying that he really misses me. Like, every time. Yet he doesn't make plans to hang out. We talked today, and he said he definitely wants to hang out soon. But he's so lousy at making plans that I'm not sure if it'll happen. He's very indecisive, and that gets old with me fast. And him being indecisive is one thing that makes him afraid of relationships, because his last one was way too dragged out, because he couldn't get up the courage to just make a decision and dump her when she cheated. Oh well.

And not to be a jerk, but well...the sex wasn't very good. We only did it a few times, and each time he came really quickly. Probably because we weren't doing it often enough. I wanted to do it every time we saw each other, but he didn't. Nice dick though, great size. He also wasn't the best kisser in the world. Not bad, but I've had better. Since things have ended, I've made out (but not fucked) with three other guys, and they were all great kissers, so I've kind of realized that I really missed that with Warren. I know I can try to train him, but well...seriously, he's 34, he should be trained already! I don't know if I can change that at that age.

So I have someone new to write about, Matt. I met Matt in January, when Warren was doing his "not talking" to me. We met via some mutual friends at a bar, and he added "Words with Friends" on my iPhone. He is, to put it mildly, ridiculously attractive. Tall, slender but not too skinny, blue eyes. Absolutely delicious, much more attractive than me. And he wants to play Scrabble with me? I'm in. We added each other on Facebook, etc. Seemed like a good guy, plus eye candy, though honestly, I figured he was too hot to be interested into being anything more than my friend. I'm not ugly, but I'm not super-hot either. He's a 10, and I'm more of a 7.

So the WWF app has a chat function too. Eventually he actually started hitting on me. I didn't realize he was into me when we met. I didn't know how serious he was. Well, he asked what I was doing a few weekends ago. I was actually already going out of town, which actually bummed me out because it seemed like he was going to ask me out! I figured we could start things up when I got home the next week, and I was actually really excited...seriously, he's very attractive, politically progressive, hilarious, dirty, and intelligent on top of all that. And he's hitting on me, why? I still can't figure it out for the life of me. He's also just a few months younger than me, so the right age as well.

While I was gone, he landed his dream job and moved halfway across the country.

It would be an understatement to say that I was seriously bummed out. Of course, I think I would have been even more bummed out had we been dating for a bit. And I also would have been bummed out had he not taken a job because of not wanting to leave me. So it was really a lose-lose for me. What can you do? He kind of stopped chatting with me on WWF, so I figured I missed out, but well, that's that.

Today he started flirting with me again. He called me a tease, and I said I wasn't teasing, I was willing...then he said I should have told him that before he'd moved. I responded back that I had flight benefits (I work for an airline), so it was no big deal for me to just jump on a plane, so he'd better watch his mouth, or I was going to fly out there and call him on it! I told him I could come out this weekend if he wanted. Then he responded that he hadn't even gotten furniture yet, but that I was more than welcome to come out when he did, and that he would violate me all over town. I asked him if he was serious, because I really would visit, since I do actually like the city he moved to. He said that he really was serious.

Yes, I realize that it would be nothing but sex. But holy shit, this guy is so attractive that it might just be worth it. I haven't gotten any action in two months thanks to Warren and his issues. And I'm not kidding, this guy was talking some serious filth. Like that I wouldn't be able to see the sights since I'd be tied up! And that he'd be violating me before we even got into the door. I do wonder if he'd really tie me up...because well, I'm into that, and only one guy has ever actually been into it too. I haven't had nearly enough kink in my sex life. And doing stuff in public places? Bring it on. Even if he's not really that kinky, let's face it, I haven't gotten laid lately, period. And I have no dating prospects other than Warren, which is a big question mark anyway. We might eventually work things out, but I really don't see the harm in getting my needs met in the meantime.

So I might fly halfway across the country just to get laid. I wonder, should things go well, if I'd visit him more than once. He probably won't stay single though, so probably not. He's really too attractive not to find a girlfriend quickly. I really hate adding people to my "list" if it's just meaningless sex, but for some reason, I really want this guy. He's just so great. Besides, should he ever return to this state, I want him to know he has someone who likes him here. It would be awesome if eventually we ended up dating (and I'd probably move for him, assuming I could get a job), but I'm really going to try to be realistic about it and appreciate it for what it is, hot sex with a hot guy.

And hey, then I'll have more stuff to write about in here, right? Heh.