So as the subject line reads, I have managed to hang on to Marty. But not without a couple of freakouts. One of which was yesterday. We went somewhere nice, and I wore a dress. Afterwards, he decided spur-of-the-moment to do some outdoorsy stuff. And I'm in a dress. A mostly white dress. He's like, "Let's just go to Target and get some shorts." So we do. I tried on my size, and it didn't fit like it should. I was already on edge because he sprung this on me, and that brought me to full on panic attack mode. I was about to burst into tears in the store. We had to leave, and he took me home. I was really upset, because that whole situation could have been avoided if he'd only told me to bring casual clothes. But no, he doesn't like to plan.
I hate when I get like that. I used to have panic attacks all the time in college, and it was the reason a couple of guys eventually cut things off from me. I was just so stressed out back then. Now I'm working two jobs, so I might be there again. I'm very afraid, because I really don't want to lose Marty. Things just felt so out of control today, and I got really overwhelmed.
It's hard to explain that kind of thing to Marty. He's so happy-go-lucky all the time, and I really hope some of it will rub off on me. I feel like a little has already. He did mention that I seem happier than I did when we met. I should hope so. He's said some pretty critical things to me (he called me abrasive), and I feel like I'm just always apologizing to him.
Yesterday I told him that I'd never really felt anything like the orgasms I can sometimes have when I'm with him. It really scared me to tell him, but I think I knew a lot sooner. Remember the last entry, where I was trying to think of when the last time had been that I'd come that hard. I don't even know if it was as good with Ross the first time we tried bondage. I don't know if it was the same. He seemed surprised to hear that from me. He said he'd heard it before, but from girls who were less experienced than me. It was a loaded thing for me, but I'm not sure if he realized exactly how serious.
I'm trying to enjoy it, but I'm just so scared I'm going to mess it up. I really like him a lot.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Goodbye Ross, hello and goodbye Brent, and hello Marty
So Ross did the same thing he did 5 years ago - faded away. This time, it'll probably be for good. I'm not sure what he didn't like about me now, but I know I wasn't a fan of how much more reserved and insecure he seemed to have become. At any rate, he seemed to have lost interest toward the end of last year. Disappointing, but I guess not all that much of a surprise.
In February, I started seeing Brent. He was very different from lots of my exes. He was childfree, for one. But he had a lot of negatives: drug use, general irresponsibility, jerkiness. But it's so hard to find someone who is childfree, so I gave it a shot anyway. And I had been so lonely and bummed out due to other stuff going on in my life. It all ended because he just wasn't willing to do a few nice things for me, but he had no problem asking me to do things for him. Since I'm writing in this journal, I can say that the sex wasn't that good. It was...fine...I guess. I only got off a couple of times. And he didn't really have a high enough sex drive for me. One of the worst things was that he was so insecure about his body. He could have definitely stood to lose some weight, but the insecurity was more of a turnoff. He never wanted to be naked around me...which is weird, when you are sleeping with someone!
I wasn't too sad when things ended with him. He was kind of anti-social, so he hadn't gotten into my social circle yet. Most of my friends disliked him, especially Dean and Keenan, who I go out drinking with regularly, as I mentioned a few entries back. Once I had gone out for drinks with them, and Brent had gotten enraged and sent me a string of angry text messages. Dean especially hated him and wasn't shy about telling me.
But yeah, I was back to square one yet again. Since I don't have to worry about Brent's jealousy anymore, I've been going to the weekly get-togethers again. A few weeks ago, one of Dean's friends from middle school, Marty, joined us. I was surprised, since the last few weeks, it's just been Dean, Keenan, and me. And pleasantly surprised - Marty is attractive: blue eyes, blonde hair, slim cut body.
Of course, being the classy lady that I am, I immediately hit on him. But he was interested too, and he immediately set up a date for the following weekend. Impressive! He took me to one of my favorite bars. We had a ton of fun on the date, but I was shy and nervous, so I held back a little. Apparently a lot, as Marty was already halfway down the stairs before I asked him why the hell he hadn't gone for the goodnight kiss.
A few weeks later, I couldn't wait any longer. Marty seems to be a genuninely nice guy. Not the "nice guy" who is nice because he wants something. He actually seems very kind. And somehow hilarious and sarcastic too. Anyway, the first time was good, on par for my first time (good but no orgasm) with a new guy. Marty actually has the perfect sized cock too: bigger than average, but not too big.
However, things changed last Thursday evening. Marty is great at going down, and he was down there for awhile. I stopped him because I really just wanted to fuck him so badly after all that great oral. Now, here's something I didn't expect: the sex was mindblowing. I had to think about the last time I had an orgasm like that, and I am thinking maybe the first time Ross and I tried bondage? Over 5 years ago! I'm not kidding...my whole body came. It was amazing for him too, and he was even happier that he'd gotten me off so well, especially since we haven't been doing it that long.
Marty is a couple of years younger than me, and also a bit less experienced. So I'm not sure he has too many other tricks up his sleeve. (The amazing orgasm happened during MISSIONARY!) I did mention bondage to him, and of course, he hadn't tried it. We haven't used to vibe during yet either. We had another almost-repeat of that night when he woke up me up in the middle of the night for sex a couple of days ago. But almost no foreplay, so no dice for me. He was just...wow. One thing about him - he always seems surprised how tight I am down there. Thanks, kegels! And there have definitely been some guys bigger than him, but no complaints at ALL about his size.
I'll try and keep y'all posted.
In February, I started seeing Brent. He was very different from lots of my exes. He was childfree, for one. But he had a lot of negatives: drug use, general irresponsibility, jerkiness. But it's so hard to find someone who is childfree, so I gave it a shot anyway. And I had been so lonely and bummed out due to other stuff going on in my life. It all ended because he just wasn't willing to do a few nice things for me, but he had no problem asking me to do things for him. Since I'm writing in this journal, I can say that the sex wasn't that good. It was...fine...I guess. I only got off a couple of times. And he didn't really have a high enough sex drive for me. One of the worst things was that he was so insecure about his body. He could have definitely stood to lose some weight, but the insecurity was more of a turnoff. He never wanted to be naked around me...which is weird, when you are sleeping with someone!
I wasn't too sad when things ended with him. He was kind of anti-social, so he hadn't gotten into my social circle yet. Most of my friends disliked him, especially Dean and Keenan, who I go out drinking with regularly, as I mentioned a few entries back. Once I had gone out for drinks with them, and Brent had gotten enraged and sent me a string of angry text messages. Dean especially hated him and wasn't shy about telling me.
But yeah, I was back to square one yet again. Since I don't have to worry about Brent's jealousy anymore, I've been going to the weekly get-togethers again. A few weeks ago, one of Dean's friends from middle school, Marty, joined us. I was surprised, since the last few weeks, it's just been Dean, Keenan, and me. And pleasantly surprised - Marty is attractive: blue eyes, blonde hair, slim cut body.
Of course, being the classy lady that I am, I immediately hit on him. But he was interested too, and he immediately set up a date for the following weekend. Impressive! He took me to one of my favorite bars. We had a ton of fun on the date, but I was shy and nervous, so I held back a little. Apparently a lot, as Marty was already halfway down the stairs before I asked him why the hell he hadn't gone for the goodnight kiss.
A few weeks later, I couldn't wait any longer. Marty seems to be a genuninely nice guy. Not the "nice guy" who is nice because he wants something. He actually seems very kind. And somehow hilarious and sarcastic too. Anyway, the first time was good, on par for my first time (good but no orgasm) with a new guy. Marty actually has the perfect sized cock too: bigger than average, but not too big.
However, things changed last Thursday evening. Marty is great at going down, and he was down there for awhile. I stopped him because I really just wanted to fuck him so badly after all that great oral. Now, here's something I didn't expect: the sex was mindblowing. I had to think about the last time I had an orgasm like that, and I am thinking maybe the first time Ross and I tried bondage? Over 5 years ago! I'm not kidding...my whole body came. It was amazing for him too, and he was even happier that he'd gotten me off so well, especially since we haven't been doing it that long.
Marty is a couple of years younger than me, and also a bit less experienced. So I'm not sure he has too many other tricks up his sleeve. (The amazing orgasm happened during MISSIONARY!) I did mention bondage to him, and of course, he hadn't tried it. We haven't used to vibe during yet either. We had another almost-repeat of that night when he woke up me up in the middle of the night for sex a couple of days ago. But almost no foreplay, so no dice for me. He was just...wow. One thing about him - he always seems surprised how tight I am down there. Thanks, kegels! And there have definitely been some guys bigger than him, but no complaints at ALL about his size.
I'll try and keep y'all posted.
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