More on Marty

So as the subject line reads, I have managed to hang on to Marty. But not without a couple of freakouts. One of which was yesterday. We went somewhere nice, and I wore a dress. Afterwards, he decided spur-of-the-moment to do some outdoorsy stuff. And I'm in a dress. A mostly white dress. He's like, "Let's just go to Target and get some shorts." So we do. I tried on my size, and it didn't fit like it should. I was already on edge because he sprung this on me, and that brought me to full on panic attack mode. I was about to burst into tears in the store. We had to leave, and he took me home. I was really upset, because that whole situation could have been avoided if he'd only told me to bring casual clothes. But no, he doesn't like to plan.

I hate when I get like that. I used to have panic attacks all the time in college, and it was the reason a couple of guys eventually cut things off from me. I was just so stressed out back then. Now I'm working two jobs, so I might be there again. I'm very afraid, because I really don't want to lose Marty. Things just felt so out of control today, and I got really overwhelmed.

It's hard to explain that kind of thing to Marty. He's so happy-go-lucky all the time, and I really hope some of it will rub off on me. I feel like a little has already. He did mention that I seem happier than I did when we met. I should hope so. He's said some pretty critical things to me (he called me abrasive), and I feel like I'm just always apologizing to him.

Yesterday I told him that I'd never really felt anything like the orgasms I can sometimes have when I'm with him. It really scared me to tell him, but I think I knew a lot sooner. Remember the last entry, where I was trying to think of when the last time had been that I'd come that hard. I don't even know if it was as good with Ross the first time we tried bondage. I don't know if it was the same. He seemed surprised to hear that from me. He said he'd heard it before, but from girls who were less experienced than me. It was a loaded thing for me, but I'm not sure if he realized exactly how serious.

I'm trying to enjoy it, but I'm just so scared I'm going to mess it up. I really like him a lot.