Monday, December 8, 2008

Visiting Liam

So Liam called me on Thursday to let me know that he was back in the country. And he had more--he wanted me to visit him this weekend. He asked a favor of me, and it was really easy...though it did require me to actually travel to see I flew out and visited him. It was the first time I'd seen him since our week that started out great and ended so horribly. Why did I do it? I'm not really sure. I guess because part of me decided I was being too hard on him after the last visit. I mean, he was still really flirty on the phone, and part of me remembered how excited I was the last time...and also, I'm not even going to lie, the sex. The last time we'd had sex, I was so angry...and I didn't want that to be my lasting impression of sex with Liam, especially since we'd already had so much great sex.

So I went to see him. He gave me a big hug at the airport, and we went back to his place to drop off my stuff. He insisted on taking me out, so we went out and had a great time. I forget, he's a little...overly-assertive in public (like the type of guy to tell the owner of a bar that he doesn't like the beer selection...yes, that happened), which made me feel a little uncomfortable. But it was nothing I couldn't handle.

Afterwards, we went back to his place...and he immediately started kissing the back of my neck. That was great, but then when he went to kiss me on the lips...Okay, this is going to sound horrible, but Will and Mike are the last two guys I kissed, and they are both great kissers...but Liam is still just not a great kisser. (Why do I have a feeling that due to his huge cock and superior oral skills, girls just can't seem to bring up the flaws in his kissing? Guess I'm guilty too.) At this point, I don't think I can really give him any helpful hints, so usually I'll just move on to kissing his neck. But again, it's such a change from Will. There's just more passion and desire...even though my feelings are not even nearly as strong for him as they were before his last visit, they still linger.

And he goes for the oral. Fucking hell, he is just so good at going down. I almost get off after just a little bit, but I let him know, and he goes for the condom. Since I was already so turned on, it didn't take me long, but the orgasm was amazing! I got there first, and he came right after I did. I have orgasms with Will that are great...but something about that one was just so familiar, just like the first one we had the last time Liam visited me. We fucked again in the morning, and it was good, but I didn't get off. Probably because of the intensity of last night's...I swear my body hadn't recovered yet!

I did get a couple of things off my chest. I actually flat-out told him that he has shitty taste in movies, and I told him that I hated watching the bad movies with him the last time we hung out. From his reaction, I got the idea that he truly hadn't realized how upset I was, and I felt a little bad. Maybe I was overreacting. But we're still not made for each other. He had new condoms since the last time we fucked, which obviously means he was fucking someone else while he was I'm sure he's not invested in me. But can I even talk? I sure didn't tell him about Will.

Will and I just have a different dynamic. I hope it only gets better. I feel like we have a lot of respect for each other, definitely more than we did when we were dating. This sounds so awful, but I actually felt a little bad for sleeping with Liam without giving Will a heads-up. I honestly don't think Will is sleeping with anyone else. It wouldn't bother me if he were, but I really don't think he'd need me in that case. It's just that...I feel like what Will and I have now is just so honest. I think that's why the hugs...we actually are friendlier than we were been back then. And by not telling him about Liam, I don't really feel like I'm being dishonest...after all, that was his idea, right? No commitment, no obligation.

And things with Will are getting closer to the feelings I had with Aaron, minus the emotional attachment. Towards the end of our dating, I just felt so comfortable around Aaron, like I could be myself around him. I could do anything, and he'd still like me. Will and I are getting more comfortable. I'm not so nervous around him like I used to be. I'm still nervous around Liam, and I'm not even really sure why. I know he's wrong for me and that we won't end up together.

I also like the power feeling with Will. I guess because I feel I'm somewhat controlling the letting him think he's controlling it. Does that make sense? He still intiates everything, but what we do is still as long as I'm willing, as long as I'm not dating someone. After all, Will doesn't really date much, so what we have will probably end when I start dating someone, not when he does. With Liam, he's very aggressive, assertive, very ambitious...and Will is ambitious, just in a more practical way. Liam just has all these outrageous ideas for things, and it kind of makes me feel like a worse person for not caring about them as well. I just don't think about a lot of the things he does. Yet I know if I told Will about this that he would understand. He has ambitions and goals, but he keeps both of his feet on the ground.

I just think that Will and I are much more compatible, personality-wise. Liam is just so headstrong...I don't think I could ever be happy with him on a permanent basis. I don't think Will is emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone, but I feel like we're kind of...equal on most other things. I always have that whirlwind feeling about Liam, but that kind of thing upsets me in the long run. Yes, I know I have big issues with control. But I guess I'm relieved. Liam doesn't even live in the same timezone, so I know we couldn't be together in the long run. He's happy with his home, and I'm happy with mine.

I feel like I have a bit more closure with Liam now. Ah, me and closure...we have such a history. And I'm going out of town again in a few days...Will has been asking when I'm leaving exactly, wonder if we'll have a get-together before the holidays. Oh yeah, this is a bit I supposed to get him anything for the holidays? I assume no. Maybe I can buy myself some lingerie while I'm on my trip, ha!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Updates on Will, Mike, and Liam.

So I've hung out with Will twice and Mike once since I last wrote. Mike actually gave me a day's notice, so I hung out with him last week. We still have a lot of fun hanging out, yet I still don't want to sleep with him. I think it would be horrible--possibly the quickest fuck ever. We kiss for like, a few minutes, and he's completely ready to go...for like, two minutes. Thankfully, we always seem to hang out when I'm on my period. We were kissing, and I made a comment, "I'm not taking my pants off." He replies that he's taking his off, and the next thing I know, he's already gotten off. (Okay, maybe his dick isn't as small as I remember, but I still don't want it inside me.) Really? He's 26. He should be able to last long than that. And then of course he's immediately out the door. I don't even know why he tries to hang out with me. But damn, we actually have interests in common, and he's fun to hang out with otherwise. And gorgeous. Too bad he has nothing to offer me in the bedroom. And he doesn't even try to get me there. This is what I get for hanging out with guys who are much less experienced than me.

Went to Will's the week before. We hung out, watched some DVDs, had sex...nothing too interesting, but nothing bad either. I didn't get off that time, and he seemed genuinely disappointed. Not upset or anything, but I'm kind of flattered that he seems to really care. But you know, I guess he should, since sex is all we really have now! It was kind of nice hanging out with him too right after my birthday, since I hadn't gotten any other male action since him.

We hung out last night as well--he came over again! Second appearance at my apartment. We looked at costumes online...part of me knows that this just makes it all the more obvious that he's not really into me, just what I'm dressed up as, but the other part of me enjoys that he actually feels like he can share that with me, since I doubt he's been able to share that with anyone else. I still can't believe he didn't share more of this with me when we were actually dating, since it's obviously something he's really into. I just hate the idea of someone repressing something that obviously turns them on a lot for that long.

Afterwards, we did it, and he suggested I use the vibrator. Just a few minutes in (Hey, it'd been over a week, since I was raggin' it the week before!), I could tell he was getting close, and I was too, though he got there about ten seconds before I did. However, he kind of kept going anyway until I got off...I didn't even realize it until he told me afterwards. He even said that afterwards he's usually really sensitive, and that he was surprised he was able to keep going for a bit longer, but I'm really glad he did. Ha! With our weird non-romantic situation, I almost wanted to high-five him for the good sex. And he seemed really excited that I got off, which again, I appreciated. So many guys don't even give a shit if the girl gets off (uhm, scroll up, let's read about Mike again!), but I swear he doesn't enjoy it as much afterward if I don't get off. I actually think a lot more of him now that I know that about him.

Since it was pretty late and a work night for both of us, he left pretty soon afterward. But we had another hug. And it was a little longer than the last one and definitely nicer. I don't know what's really up with that. I don't think he's getting any kind of romantic feelings still, but maybe it's just that we're kind of getting more comfortable with each other? I mean, at first the kissing was just so weird, and honestly, I figured we'd drop that, but we still start with kissing. I think it's crucial for uhm...getting him warmed up. And it's definitely not like...passionate or anything, but at least it's gotten less awkward. I don't know if it'll ever get to passionate...probably not since there's no romance.

I'm probably overthinking it, but since I'm not really dissecting this in detail with anyone (I still haven't told anyone but Ed, but we don't talk as much lately since he has a girlfriend), it's kind of hard not to. But I'd still say so far so good.

Oh, and Liam emailed me. He's coming back to the country, but he's not visiting me on the way home. I'm not exactly crying about it. He invited me to visit him sometime in the winter and mentioned that although it would be cold, it would only be cold outside...seriously, is that a flirt? Is it even possible that he wasn't just as annoyed with me as I was with him? I really don't see how my feelings couldn't have been obvious, even though of course I didn't want to pick a fight.

Part of me wants to see if anything is still there. I mean, that sex we had when he first arrived back here was great, passionate, and romantic as hell. But part of me is still so angry with him for the way the visit turned out. Part of me wants to take the easy way out and just keep fucking Will. But I think that first and foremost, I'll see how persistent Liam is. So far, I have to admire Will's persistence. We talk online every few days, he's been straightforward...I definitely prefer that to mind games. I guess time will tell.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Progress with Will...and Jacob.

So Will and I have hung out twice since the last entry. It's been nice each time. The first time he actually came over to my apt! Did I mention that he never did that when we were dating? When we were dating, I didn't live close to him, so it was a big deal. Granted, he has a three-bedroom house, and I have a one-bedroom apartment. Now I live a lot closer to him (that wasn't the intention; I moved to be closer to work). He stopped by after work one day, and we had some drinks. The shoes he bought had come, but the costume hadn't. However, he really just couldn't wait, so I said, sure, why not...I'm almost always in the mood, after all.

Ok, so Will has a huge vinyl/PVC fetish, apparently. The sex was good, but I didn't get off. I blame the alcohol, because I think I was turned on enough to get off otherwise. The funny thing was that I'm pretty sure the shoes were a big factor for Will. I didn't realize it at first...he was always very into the whole costume/dressing up bit, but I didn't realize the extent. But during our sex, he had his hands on the shoes for quite a bit of the time! It definitely doesn't bother me. Honestly, I'm surprised that didn't really come up when we dated. One thing he also suggested was that I use my vibrator during sex...which we had also never done! I've used it with other guys in the past, but never with Will. He really got into it, though! Again, I blame the alcohol, because I definitely would have been able to get off otherwise, but oh well.

Afterwards we hung out for a little while. He kind of...gave me a pep talk, which was definitely not asked for, but not too bad either. Basically, he pointed out that I had lots of good qualities, but that I was too clingy. I think he worries that I'm getting too attached to him or something. I asserted that it was different now...when we "dated" it was under the pretense of turning into a relationship, and this is definitely different. I realized then that he is a great friend, guy, lay...but a lousy boyfriend. It's just that back then, I didn't know that. And then he actually said that he had some issues he needed to work through...I can't believe he admitted to something like that.

We hung out again yesterday. I had the outfit, so I wore it. I actually look pretty smashing in it, if i do say so myself. The last time I was at his place, I blew him, then later we had sex for round two. We were going to do that again, but weirdly enough, we weren't really feeling like the sex afterwards, so we didn't. Afterwards, again we hung out for awhile. It's kind of interesting that we still hang out. We talked for awhile just about random things like work. He also mentioned that he owed me at least two more times, heh, for the head...which amused me. Also, we kind of hugged when I left. I don't know why we did. It was just kind of a half-hug, but it was nice.

I guess, for me, taking things to that level makes our arrangement easier. He asked before if I had to be drinking to have sex with him (after the first time I wrote about today), and it definitely isn't's just that it's easier for me to have non-romantic sex if there's some alcohol involved. But it's not specific to him, it's just that there's no one else I'm having non-romantic sex with right now. But with the hug...I guess the non-romantic sex becomes easier for me if I'm at least closer friends with Will. We were kind of friends before we dated, but more like friendly work acquaintances than anything. Now we talk a bit more, and I definitely prefer it. I really like where we are at, right now, and I hope things stay that way with Will until I find a new romantic interest.

I think I'll mention Jacob here. Jacob is a guy who also works for the same company that I do, but he works on a different floor. He and I have been talking lately...not sure why, really. But last weekend he invited me to a Halloween party. He said it was because he didn't want to go alone. At the end of the evening, I drove back to his place (I'd met him there, so we could take one car), and he invited me in, and we kind of...snuggled to sleep. We kissed a little, but nothing else. He is not really my looks type at all, but it was nice to snuggle with someone new, so I guess that's why I let it happen.

I got really nervous, because he kept talking to me throughout the week, and I was concerned that he liked me. He invited himself over on election night, and again we cuddled and kissed. He tossed and turned a lot, and the next day he told me online that he normally doesn't toss and turn...if he gets off before he goes to bed. And selfish me, I don't want to get him off. I didn't really even like him in the first place--he's not my type! I guess I just missed some of the emotional closeness that I'm not getting from Will.

We hung out again last night, after I'd left Will's (of course he doesn't know about my arrangement with Will), and again the same kissing but nothing else scenario came up. This morning he had a long message waiting for me about how we are looking for two different things and that he didn't have time to devote enough attention to me to date me. So basically, he was also looking for a friends-with-benefits type scenario. Of course, since he doesn't know I already have one, he assumed I wanted to date. LOL! And of course, I don't want that with him, because like I said when I was writing about Mike, why would I want to add new names to the list if I can continue sleeping with someone already on it? To be blunt, I don't find him that attractive, and well...again to be really shallow, his goods...are average and not as good as Will's. And he's not as good of a kisser.

So I was sure relieved to hear that! I'd much rather go back to being friends with Jacob. Honestly, it kind of cracked me up to read his long message trying to let me down easy. Oh, if only he knew....

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Costume Shopping

So I told you that Will liked the outfits, right? Yesterday he convinced me to purchase a slutty nurse outfit. Since it's close to halloween, there are a whole lot of online stores doing sales and such, so I got one at a decent price. Vinyl--wow! I do not currently own any vinyl...well, now I do, I suppose. I bought the matching stockings too. He wanted some huge stripper shoes too, but things were getting a bit get this! He actually bought the shoes for me! They're being shipped to my house as a type this!

Should I mention that he didn't even take me out when we actually dated years ago? We just always hung out at his house. He never bought me anything then, not even flowers or candy, and he had the money. Yet he is willing to buy some 6" stilettos for me when we're just sleeping together? I was putting out more often back then! And cleaning his house! I don't get it. I'm still definitely not getting emotionally invested, but this is something I could get used to!

I'm not initiating anything with him. I'm not calling, I'm not IMing, I'm not coming over...I'm letting him do it all. If he wants me to come over, then he has to ask me, but he seems perfectly okay with this. He IMed me today, making small talk about work. The hilarious thing is that I actually saw him at work today, twice. But I don't talk to him at work. Nobody knows. Oh, but I did come clean to one of my good online friends, Ed. And I even told Will that I had this blog, which he was really pissed off about, until I told him that nobody reads it. He never did like it when I wrote anything about our relationship online before...good thing he doesn't know about my main journal! Anyway, it was really good to talk to Ed about it. I knew he'd understand. It was good to talk to anyone about it...yet I still also like keeping it a secret.

Mike and I had an argument. He wanted to come over today, last-minute of course, and I said maybe but then no. I can't help it. I just need to know at least a day in advance to get in the right mindset. During the week, when I get home from work, I just kind of unconsciously shut down, unless I know I have something I need to get done. Even Will has been asking to hang out at least the day before. One last time he didn't, but it was on the weekend, so it didn't matter. I guess it didn't bother me because he doesn't normally do it, but it does bother me when Mike does it, because he does that all the time. His defense? I hung out with him once without plans the day before, so he thought I'd stopped caring about that. I apologized, as I guess it was a bit misleading, but that's just not a standard I'm ready to let go.

I haven't actually seen Mike since I started this blog. I don't really want to see him, if I can just see Will. Will lives a lot closer, and with him, I get good sex. They're both good kissers, but I don't really care about either of them romantically anymore...they're both pretty attractive, though Will is taller. So well, I guess I shouldn't be even hinting that I could hang out with Mike. I don't think it's going to be an issue now, since he's pretty pissed that I told him I'd rather he didn't come over. He even caught me online writing this and got mad, because he said he could have been gone by now, and I was still up anyway. But it's just not the same.

I just caught a glimpse of my friend George's online status: "
wonders why he is always Cameron and never Ferris." Okay, I can't help but think this might be about me. He invited me out on Saturday night, and we went to a couple of bars. I have never hit on him, because I could never date him--he's quite a bit older than me. He smokes too, and I hate that (Will and Mike are actually both non-smokers). We came back to his place afterwards, and I definitely was not okay to drive home. I shouldn't have let him buy all of those drinks. It's just hard when he offers, especially since I know he makes way more than I do. (And for the record, the last time he bought all of my drinks, I made sure to buy his when we hung out the next time after that.) Anyway, we decided to see what was on TV, and yes, you guessed it, it was Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I woke up the next morning hungover as all hell, and then I pretty much bolted. What? I would have likely hung out with him, except that I didn't want him to witness my hangover. But would it have really mattered? Oh man, I hope he doesn't have feelings for me. He's so nice, but he's really just not the guy for me. I really hope that Cameron/Ferris comment is about some other woman in his life...Oh! But I do remember that I told him I was seeing someone (meaning Will), so at least there's that...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


Mike called today to ask me to dinner. Like, 15 minutes before he wanted to meet for dinner. I'd already eaten almost an hour earlier. I do not understand what is so hard about planning something even a little bit in advance.

Also, Liam emailed me for the first time since he'd left, saying he was lucky to have me as a friend. I haven't replied yet, and I don't know if I will anytime soon. I'm still angry at him for behaving the way that he did, and I don't know what to say to him. But at least the email sounded sincere.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Liam and Will

Alright, so a few months ago, Will started talking to me again. We didn't stay friends after we dated, so I was wondering why he decided to suddenly reconnect with me. We had some casual conversations via Facebook. Then one night he called me, for no reason at all. He never did that when we were seeing each other, but it wasn't unpleasant.

He went to the Beijing Olympics. He called me on the day he got back, asking for a ride home from the airport. I was a bit surprised, but I figured someone else had flaked out on him, and I am actually a logical choice to do this, since I live very close to the airport. We talked on the ride back to his house. I pretended not to remember the way, even though I did. When we got there, I said goodbye, but he invited me in. He said he didn't want to fall asleep right away and mess up his sleep cycle, so he could be normal at work the next day. I wondered if something was up, but I went along with it. We watched DVDs of 30 Rock. After watching a few episodes in the living room, he asked me if I wanted to watch more upstairs. In his room. He wasn't hitting on me though, so again, I went along with it. After watching a few more episodes, he went to put his arm around me. I immediately called him on it, naturally. He explained that well, sometimes he got lonely. Translation: he hasn't gotten laid in AGES. (Well, at least that's what I figured he meant.) I kind of freaked out and didn't do anything. I said I wasn't really feeling it, and I left.

You see, Liam was visiting in two weeks. And at the time, I had a major crush on him. We were getting along great in our email banter, and well, if I can fuck someone that I am romantically interested in, I'd much rather do that than sleep with someone I'm not. Then I thought, "Hmm, Liam is going to leave after he visits, and I have no idea when he'll return. I'm not even remotely interested in anyone I know. After Liam leaves, I might not get laid for a REALLY LONG TIME." So I sent Will a message saying that I may have reconsidered, but we could talk later. I'd already told him I had Liam visiting for a week, but I didn't tell him Liam and I were sleeping together.

So, Liam arrived to stay with me for a week (last week). The first night was amazing, and we came at the same time, which is almost impossible for me. I was so happy. Things were great. Then on Thursday, he went out, and I didn't come along. I didn't mind that, but when he got back, he was wide awake, and I was tired. He said he wanted to stay up late, and I told him to come to bed when he felt like it, not to worry about waking me up. I woke up to him sleeping on the couch. I was a little upset. On Friday, he had all these things he wanted to get done...during rush hour. I said I didn't mind, but that we were going to have to deal with a ton of traffic. This shouldn't have annoyed him so much, since I was the one driving, but he was in a really pissy mood, and there was nothing I could do or say to get him not to be in a bad mood. Which in turn ticked me off, because it was finally the weekend, and I was ready to relax and have fun. After we had dinner, he was really tired, but I was wide awake. I said I was going to go to my room and invited him to join me. He replied that he was just going to crash. At that point, I was really pissed off. What the hell? He's not putting out for a second night in a row? Not to mention that he was going out to lunch the following day, and he'd already informed me that I wasn't invited.

Last Saturday was absolutely miserable. It was his last full day here, and again, he went and did things all day, and I stayed home. When he got back, he wanted to watch a bad movie. Okay, one of the things that I didn't expect from him that I hated was that he really loves cheesy Hollywood blockbusters. We are talking seriously bad movies here. Like, straight-to-DVD movies, movies they show on Saturday nights on cable, movies that nobody should be watching, because they should be out and about. I watched it with him, and I kept getting up to go to the computer during commercials, because it was all I could do to keep from screaming, "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE WATCHING A FUCKING QUEEN LATIFAH MOVIE!!!" After the movie, I changed it to Saturday Night Live, since it was a new episode, and sexy James Franco was hosting. Liam, however, did not care for SNL, proclaiming it bad and unfunny. (Yes, some of the jokes fell flat. However, with James Franco hosting, I really didn't give a shit.) He even changed it, not even asking if I wanted to keep watching! I didn't want to pick a fight, so I just went back to the computer while he watched a bad Hollywood action flick that I'd never even heard of.

After it was over, I came to my bed, and I turned away from him, as if I were going to sleep. He started rubbing my back. After awhile, he announced, "My turn!" so I played along. At this point, I was so annoyed that I almost suggested he sleep on the couch, but I didn't. We ended up having sex, but it wasn't that great. We didn't even kiss the entire time--how fucking perfunctory can sex be? He made a comment after, since I didn't get off, that it must have been just the anticipation of things before. Well, yes, but also, on Monday when you got here, I really liked you, when on Saturday, I was just about ready to kill you. And to top it off, he slept on the right side of the bed that night, which is my fucking side, thank you very much. But again, I didn't want to pick a fight, especially since it was his last night, so I just passed out.

Of course, I couldn't get rid of him fast enough the next day. I took him to the airport. He bought me lunch, which was nice. He hugged me goodbye (no kiss), and I made some remark about this being the last time we'd ever see each other. He commented that no, we'd see each other again. And I didn't say it, but I was thinking, "Yeah fucking right! Go to hell, you asshole." I was so relieved to leave him there, so glad to go home to my empty apartment. And that night, I watched two fantastic games, which he wouldn't have been up for, since he hates sports. I was so glad he left on Sunday instead of Monday like he'd originally planned. He hasn't talked to me since, BTW, not even to tell me he got there safely.

So this week when Will hit me up for online conversation, I was ready to rant like a motherfucker about Liam. And rant I did. It was really nice to get that off my chest, and Will deemed Liam "Douchebag of the Year." On Thursday, Will invited me over. And I came over, ready to fuck, even though I was a bit concerned that it might not be that good, since Will and I aren't in a romantic place at all. I was decked out in a brand-new black and purple bustier (which I'd actually bought with Liam in mind...yet I didn't get to wear it for him, because he was being such an asswipe), matching thong, and matching stockings. Will absolutely loves it when I dress up in that kind of getup. (We've talked about shopping for various slutty outfits, and I may be buying a slutty nurse outfit.) I always liked this, since most guys don't give a shit about a chick's sex clothes.

We pretty much went straight upstairs to bed. I felt so awkward. I mean shit, we hadn't fucked since Spring 2006. We kissed a little, and it was a little weird. I mean, Will was a good kisser then, and he's a good kisser now, but kissing is just more romantic than sexual for me. But I mean, we couldn't just go straight to the sex, so I guess it was necessary. And also, it was still light outside. I think it might have been a little less weird had it been dark inside his room, but well, it wasn't. So after a few minutes of kissing, I asked if he had a condom. He put it on, and I asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to, but because I was concerned that it might be bad. When we dated, the sex with Will was fantastic. I wanted it every night, and I'd get annoyed if he didn't want to fuck. My sex drive is just through the fucking roof, which is the reason I was willing to try this arrangement, because I figured that if I wasn't into anyone, why not at least get laid in the meantime?

The sex was a little weird. It was quiet. I started on top, and I went for awhile (which is good, I can use the cardio). I was actually kind of glad I was still wearing the bustier, since it was light in the room...made me a little less self-conscious. I was actually on the brink for a lot of it, and then we switched to him on top. Okay, one more thing. I know guys are very visual, and Will kept his eyes open the entire time. But he looked bored out of his mind every time I opened my eyes. Anyway, so after a couple of minutes with him on top, I felt like I was going to come. (I hate the word 'cum,' so I'm not going to use it. It just looks so gross. Kind of like the word 'pussy.') I was surprised; I don't even always get off when I'm fucking someone I'm interested in, and I certainly hadn't expected it to happen the first time Will and I fucked again. But I came, and it was great, and Will loved it, immediately coming after I did.

Shit, who knew? I mean, it was always good back then, but I didn't even get off all the time back then. At any rate, I was pretty pleased. It was still weird, but fuck, I got off! I wonder if Will jacked it before I got there, because he had pretty good stamina. Then again, he always used to, and he is thirty-one after all. We actually hung out for a few hours after, watching more DVDs. It was actually less awkward than the sex, and I wonder if we might actually pull off the friends part of friends-with-benefits!

So I guess I'll keep fucking him. It's weird, but if I'm getting off, I shouldn't be bitching, should I? Alright, and I guess I should say this: there is absolutely no one I know who I can talk to about this. Why? Because, well, shit, I've already told people we're talking as friends, and they are stunned that I'm even tolerating him. When we dated, it ended badly, and I told people all the asshole things he did. When we dated, we dated for months, and he never once took me out on an actual date. He also never once drove to visit me at my apartment, and I was at his place every other night or more often. Back then, I lived about 45 minutes from his place, and gas wasn't what it is now, but it still wasn't cheap. And he has plenty of money, too, yet he was never really willing to spend any on me. So when I told people we were talking, they were shocked. And I've told them we're just friends. I think that's the way I need to keep it, because I don't think most of my friends have the same sex drive that I do, so I don't think they can really understand that I'm just fucking him because well, I'm just that damn horny.

And no, really, it's not more than that. He's still so immature, emotionally, even though he's fucking 31 now! So I don't have any delusions that we could fall into a relationship. I just don't even see him ever being emotionally mature enough to be in a romantic relationship. He's obviously been single for ages, if he's stooped to asking someone like ME for sex. And I'll admit, that makes me really happy in a power kind of way. It's like, damn, I must be good in bed. And you know, I can always use the practice and exercise. Who can't?

This was just this past week, so I guess I'll post updates on the sex and such as they come along. And now I'm watching SNL, all by myself, and I'm so glad I don't have someone telling me how unfunny it is, especially someone who likes Miss Congeniality Two.


So, where to start? Basically, I got this blog because I had some things going on in my life that I realized I did not want to share with any of my friends. Things I was doing that I didn't feel others would understand. I share just about everything with my best friend Lynn, but I felt that I couldn't even tell her this kind of stuff. She has a lot going on right now in her life anyway. Caveat: this blog will definitely contain sexually-explicit material, so if that isn't your bag, well, you'd better stop reading.

I think I'll start with a cast of the characters I plan to talk about in this blog:

Will - A coworker I used to date. Basically, we dated for a few months in early 2006. We were in the same place when it came to things like financial responsibility, but he wasn't really wanting to be emotionally close. The sex was great, though, and it was a big reason I didn't end things sooner. Our breakup was bad, and it was unpleasant seeing him at work afterwards. Recently we've been talking again, and my "relationship" with him is the main reason that I am starting this blog.

Liam - A guy I met this year. He lives in another state, but he's kind of a nomad. He may get a little mention at the beginning but probably not much later. I really liked him, or at least the person I thought he was, but then I realized we didn't know each other well enough, and while we had one major interest in common, we didn't really have much else. He also seemed like he wasn't really interested in things I considered important, if he didn't consider them important as well. I'm not sure if he'll reappear in my life...maybe if he's ever in town when I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. He's really good in bed (big dick too), especially with oral, though he's not a good kisser.

Mike - A guy I date very infrequently. He's a guy who I think will never be ready for a relationship, because he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend. He doesn't like to plan things, and he's shocked when I'm always busy, because I have planned something. I think he's "just not that into me"...which works, because I'm just not that into him either. Honestly, after the bizarre moments we've shared, I'm surprised he and I still talk. Oh, and one other thing, I've gotten a look at the "goods" (and I use that term loosely), and he has one of the smallest dicks I've ever seen. Like, so small that I wonder if I'd even feel it. But he's a really good kisser, and he has a really hot body, so I tend to try to hang out with him when I'm on my period, so that I have an excuse not to have sex.

Aaron - A guy I really liked but just couldn't make it work with. We just didn't want the same things in life, and the timing never was quite right. We had a fantastic dynamic going on when we were dating (on/off from about 2000-2005), and I felt like I was in a happy marriage for the most part when I was with him (or at least what I imagine a happy marriage to be like), even though our "relationship" never really had a title. I felt like I could really be myself around him. While I still don't think that we could work, I still miss our interaction. He has another girlfriend right now that he's been with for over a year, so I doubt I'll be talking about him too much, but I figured I'd include him just in case I mentioned him in a backstory or something. Also, because well, I just can't imagine writing a cast of characters list of the guys in my life without including him.

Mark - A guy I met in late 2006. I liked him initially, but then as our friendship developed, I decided that we were much better as friends. He lives in another state, but when we see each other (a few times a year), we sleep together. It's not the best sex ever, but it's really fun and relaxed, and since he is much less experienced than I am, I don't feel the pressure to "perform" like I do with many other guys. He's a bad kisser, but we don't kiss much, since our sex isn't romantic, so I don't feel the need to try to train him (I hate training anyway). And I actually think we can still be just as close as friends even though we are involved sexually. We are huge geeks, and we talk online almost every day, often for hours on end. I consider him one of my best friends right now. Sidenote: I met Mark through Aaron, and they are friendly acquaintances. However, I don't talk to Aaron much anymore, so he likely does not know the extent to which I'm involved with Mark.

I may add to this list of characters later, as guys appear in my life.