Monday, December 8, 2008

Visiting Liam

So Liam called me on Thursday to let me know that he was back in the country. And he had more--he wanted me to visit him this weekend. He asked a favor of me, and it was really easy...though it did require me to actually travel to see I flew out and visited him. It was the first time I'd seen him since our week that started out great and ended so horribly. Why did I do it? I'm not really sure. I guess because part of me decided I was being too hard on him after the last visit. I mean, he was still really flirty on the phone, and part of me remembered how excited I was the last time...and also, I'm not even going to lie, the sex. The last time we'd had sex, I was so angry...and I didn't want that to be my lasting impression of sex with Liam, especially since we'd already had so much great sex.

So I went to see him. He gave me a big hug at the airport, and we went back to his place to drop off my stuff. He insisted on taking me out, so we went out and had a great time. I forget, he's a little...overly-assertive in public (like the type of guy to tell the owner of a bar that he doesn't like the beer selection...yes, that happened), which made me feel a little uncomfortable. But it was nothing I couldn't handle.

Afterwards, we went back to his place...and he immediately started kissing the back of my neck. That was great, but then when he went to kiss me on the lips...Okay, this is going to sound horrible, but Will and Mike are the last two guys I kissed, and they are both great kissers...but Liam is still just not a great kisser. (Why do I have a feeling that due to his huge cock and superior oral skills, girls just can't seem to bring up the flaws in his kissing? Guess I'm guilty too.) At this point, I don't think I can really give him any helpful hints, so usually I'll just move on to kissing his neck. But again, it's such a change from Will. There's just more passion and desire...even though my feelings are not even nearly as strong for him as they were before his last visit, they still linger.

And he goes for the oral. Fucking hell, he is just so good at going down. I almost get off after just a little bit, but I let him know, and he goes for the condom. Since I was already so turned on, it didn't take me long, but the orgasm was amazing! I got there first, and he came right after I did. I have orgasms with Will that are great...but something about that one was just so familiar, just like the first one we had the last time Liam visited me. We fucked again in the morning, and it was good, but I didn't get off. Probably because of the intensity of last night's...I swear my body hadn't recovered yet!

I did get a couple of things off my chest. I actually flat-out told him that he has shitty taste in movies, and I told him that I hated watching the bad movies with him the last time we hung out. From his reaction, I got the idea that he truly hadn't realized how upset I was, and I felt a little bad. Maybe I was overreacting. But we're still not made for each other. He had new condoms since the last time we fucked, which obviously means he was fucking someone else while he was I'm sure he's not invested in me. But can I even talk? I sure didn't tell him about Will.

Will and I just have a different dynamic. I hope it only gets better. I feel like we have a lot of respect for each other, definitely more than we did when we were dating. This sounds so awful, but I actually felt a little bad for sleeping with Liam without giving Will a heads-up. I honestly don't think Will is sleeping with anyone else. It wouldn't bother me if he were, but I really don't think he'd need me in that case. It's just that...I feel like what Will and I have now is just so honest. I think that's why the hugs...we actually are friendlier than we were been back then. And by not telling him about Liam, I don't really feel like I'm being dishonest...after all, that was his idea, right? No commitment, no obligation.

And things with Will are getting closer to the feelings I had with Aaron, minus the emotional attachment. Towards the end of our dating, I just felt so comfortable around Aaron, like I could be myself around him. I could do anything, and he'd still like me. Will and I are getting more comfortable. I'm not so nervous around him like I used to be. I'm still nervous around Liam, and I'm not even really sure why. I know he's wrong for me and that we won't end up together.

I also like the power feeling with Will. I guess because I feel I'm somewhat controlling the letting him think he's controlling it. Does that make sense? He still intiates everything, but what we do is still as long as I'm willing, as long as I'm not dating someone. After all, Will doesn't really date much, so what we have will probably end when I start dating someone, not when he does. With Liam, he's very aggressive, assertive, very ambitious...and Will is ambitious, just in a more practical way. Liam just has all these outrageous ideas for things, and it kind of makes me feel like a worse person for not caring about them as well. I just don't think about a lot of the things he does. Yet I know if I told Will about this that he would understand. He has ambitions and goals, but he keeps both of his feet on the ground.

I just think that Will and I are much more compatible, personality-wise. Liam is just so headstrong...I don't think I could ever be happy with him on a permanent basis. I don't think Will is emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone, but I feel like we're kind of...equal on most other things. I always have that whirlwind feeling about Liam, but that kind of thing upsets me in the long run. Yes, I know I have big issues with control. But I guess I'm relieved. Liam doesn't even live in the same timezone, so I know we couldn't be together in the long run. He's happy with his home, and I'm happy with mine.

I feel like I have a bit more closure with Liam now. Ah, me and closure...we have such a history. And I'm going out of town again in a few days...Will has been asking when I'm leaving exactly, wonder if we'll have a get-together before the holidays. Oh yeah, this is a bit I supposed to get him anything for the holidays? I assume no. Maybe I can buy myself some lingerie while I'm on my trip, ha!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Updates on Will, Mike, and Liam.

So I've hung out with Will twice and Mike once since I last wrote. Mike actually gave me a day's notice, so I hung out with him last week. We still have a lot of fun hanging out, yet I still don't want to sleep with him. I think it would be horrible--possibly the quickest fuck ever. We kiss for like, a few minutes, and he's completely ready to go...for like, two minutes. Thankfully, we always seem to hang out when I'm on my period. We were kissing, and I made a comment, "I'm not taking my pants off." He replies that he's taking his off, and the next thing I know, he's already gotten off. (Okay, maybe his dick isn't as small as I remember, but I still don't want it inside me.) Really? He's 26. He should be able to last long than that. And then of course he's immediately out the door. I don't even know why he tries to hang out with me. But damn, we actually have interests in common, and he's fun to hang out with otherwise. And gorgeous. Too bad he has nothing to offer me in the bedroom. And he doesn't even try to get me there. This is what I get for hanging out with guys who are much less experienced than me.

Went to Will's the week before. We hung out, watched some DVDs, had sex...nothing too interesting, but nothing bad either. I didn't get off that time, and he seemed genuinely disappointed. Not upset or anything, but I'm kind of flattered that he seems to really care. But you know, I guess he should, since sex is all we really have now! It was kind of nice hanging out with him too right after my birthday, since I hadn't gotten any other male action since him.

We hung out last night as well--he came over again! Second appearance at my apartment. We looked at costumes online...part of me knows that this just makes it all the more obvious that he's not really into me, just what I'm dressed up as, but the other part of me enjoys that he actually feels like he can share that with me, since I doubt he's been able to share that with anyone else. I still can't believe he didn't share more of this with me when we were actually dating, since it's obviously something he's really into. I just hate the idea of someone repressing something that obviously turns them on a lot for that long.

Afterwards, we did it, and he suggested I use the vibrator. Just a few minutes in (Hey, it'd been over a week, since I was raggin' it the week before!), I could tell he was getting close, and I was too, though he got there about ten seconds before I did. However, he kind of kept going anyway until I got off...I didn't even realize it until he told me afterwards. He even said that afterwards he's usually really sensitive, and that he was surprised he was able to keep going for a bit longer, but I'm really glad he did. Ha! With our weird non-romantic situation, I almost wanted to high-five him for the good sex. And he seemed really excited that I got off, which again, I appreciated. So many guys don't even give a shit if the girl gets off (uhm, scroll up, let's read about Mike again!), but I swear he doesn't enjoy it as much afterward if I don't get off. I actually think a lot more of him now that I know that about him.

Since it was pretty late and a work night for both of us, he left pretty soon afterward. But we had another hug. And it was a little longer than the last one and definitely nicer. I don't know what's really up with that. I don't think he's getting any kind of romantic feelings still, but maybe it's just that we're kind of getting more comfortable with each other? I mean, at first the kissing was just so weird, and honestly, I figured we'd drop that, but we still start with kissing. I think it's crucial for uhm...getting him warmed up. And it's definitely not like...passionate or anything, but at least it's gotten less awkward. I don't know if it'll ever get to passionate...probably not since there's no romance.

I'm probably overthinking it, but since I'm not really dissecting this in detail with anyone (I still haven't told anyone but Ed, but we don't talk as much lately since he has a girlfriend), it's kind of hard not to. But I'd still say so far so good.

Oh, and Liam emailed me. He's coming back to the country, but he's not visiting me on the way home. I'm not exactly crying about it. He invited me to visit him sometime in the winter and mentioned that although it would be cold, it would only be cold outside...seriously, is that a flirt? Is it even possible that he wasn't just as annoyed with me as I was with him? I really don't see how my feelings couldn't have been obvious, even though of course I didn't want to pick a fight.

Part of me wants to see if anything is still there. I mean, that sex we had when he first arrived back here was great, passionate, and romantic as hell. But part of me is still so angry with him for the way the visit turned out. Part of me wants to take the easy way out and just keep fucking Will. But I think that first and foremost, I'll see how persistent Liam is. So far, I have to admire Will's persistence. We talk online every few days, he's been straightforward...I definitely prefer that to mind games. I guess time will tell.