So there's someone new.
See, for the past, I don't know, five or so years, I've had this friend Warren. When I met him, I was initially attracted to him, but there were a few factors that made me put him in the friend box. For one, he was in a relationship (which ended shortly after we met). Also, a mutual friend of ours had a thing for him, even though he'd not been interested in her being anything other than a friend. And well, he hadn't expressed interest in me, so I figured no harm in keeping him as a friend. He's a fun guy who likes to go out a lot, and with mutual friends, I'd be seeing him around.
He then got involved in a long-term relationship. He would flirt with me online all the time, but nothing ever came of it, so I didn't see any harm. I just figured he was a flirt...and well, if flirting that results in nothing is his worst problem, I figured he was a decent enough guy. Over the years we've gone out for drinks plenty of times, in groups or just the two of us, and he's never hit on me in person, so I deemed him a fun friend (but nothing more). The attraction had even dissipated for the most part, since it seemed not to be mutual. No biggie--wasn't meant to be.
He's been single since about February, which of course was when I happened to meet Ryan. I don't think I saw him the entire time I was with Ryan...not for any reason, we just didn't talk much. Since a lot of our friendship was talking online, I didn't really think anything of it. After things with Ryan went into the toilet, he began asking me to hang out again. So we went out for drinks...I was upset, since I was still post-breakup emotional, and I got sloppy drunk and passed out at his place. I felt a little ridiculous in the morning, let me tell you. I booked it out of there while he was asleep, mortified that I couldn't remember the latter part of the evening. But I did know he didn't try anything--he's a nice guy who wouldn't take advantage.
I didn't talk to him after. I stayed off IM to avoid him, and I avoided his texts. I felt like such an ass...I know that all I did was whine about Ryan while he bought me drinks all night. Finally he confronted me on Facebook IM and asked if he did something wrong. Of course not--I was the one who did something wrong, obviously! He said it was fine, that he didn't care.
So recently I was out with my friend Lynn, and he invited us over to play Wii. I don't care for it, but she does, so I went...as I needed to sober up anyway. And I kind of wanted to hang out with him in a situation that didn't involve my getting wasted and making an ass out of myself. Everything went just fine, and I was pretty pleased. As we were leaving, just as Lynn was out the door, he pulled me aside, so I told her to give us a moment. I asked him what was going on, and he kissed me. I was surprised. He said, "I want you to be my girlfriend." Those exact words. And I was just...in shock. I didn't know what to say. Finally, I said something like, "Why are you saying this now, after all these years? Almost all the time I've known you, you've had a girlfriend!" He replied, "Well, I'm single now." He then grabbed me and threw me down on his bed, and I pretty much immediately got up, because well, Lynn was waiting outside in the (somewhat) cold. I just told him I couldn't really deal with it now, but we could talk about it later, kissed him, and left.
I mean, what the HELL.
So like the girl I am, I pick it apart with my friends. I try to figure out if I can be more than friends with him. See, there is a little problem...I met him via a mutual friend, Beth. Beth had originally told me she was interested in him (again, keep in mind this is over five years ago), but that they were just friends. Warren had told me many times over the years that while he thinks she's a fun person and likes her as a friend...there's zero attraction. And I can see it...while I do think she's pretty, she and I don't really have the same girl 'aesthetic'...she's more edgy rock chick, and I'm a little more...girl-next-door with a wild / slightly exotic side.
She moved away for awhile, but earlier this year she moved back, and apparently she's asking him to hang out more often. He told me that she was upset because the last few times they've hung out, he's always brought a friend along. He said that he realized she was thinking of these as 'dates,' while he was thinking it was just drinking with friends. He's already told her that he'd rather keep things as friends (trying not to be blunt to say that nothing would happen because there is no attraction), so he doesn't know what more he can say without being a jerk.
As if this wasn't going to be weird enough.
We hung out a week ago. And I did it again--drank myself to death because of nervousness. Again woke up in a hungover mess. I almost started crying when he woke me up telling me he had to go to work...all dressed up in a suit. Wow. I'd never seen him dressed in work clothes. Sexy as all hell. And I was a total wreck. I apologized and told him I had no idea why he liked me and that I'd understand if he didn't want to continue. He hugged me. And told me he was still crazy about me. And that day, while we were both at work, he texted me all day. I normally hate texting, but it was so great then.
He was out of town this past weekend, but we didn't talk. We did yesterday, and he continued flirting with me, despite the fact that I seem to have done just about everything I can to make him think I'm totally disgusting.
But I mean, how can we date? Eventually Beth is going to find out. He's talking about taking a trip together already...and we haven't really done much beyond kissing. And doesn't taking a trip equate to sleeping together? I don't know. I still am having a bit of trouble imagining fucking him...but mostly because we've just known each other THAT long. But if we take a trip together, I can't imagine everyone we know not finding out about it, no matter how secret we try to keep it.
After all the analyzing and thinking about it...I do think I can like him...and I am very scared. And after all the things I've done, he still says he's crazy attracted to me and likes me a lot. I wonder how much, exactly. I wonder, if while I was thinking he was firmly in the friend box all these years, if he was thinking 'what if' with me.
I am terrified about the idea of potentially falling in love with him. This is uncharted territory for me. I always hit on the guy right away. I've never dated a guy I've been (mostly) platonic friends with for years. Now that I think I might be able to emotionally and mentally make the transition of my feelings...how in the hell is this going to all work out?