Monday, August 16, 2010

Martin and Dean

Yeah, so nothing happened with Matt. He stopped talking to me and stopped playing Words With Friends with me. Bummer city. Oh well.

With Warren...he talked me into hanging out a few more times. And each time I remembered why I didn't want to hang out with him. He brought out the worst in me. He would just get so wasted that he wouldn't be interested in even doing anything...ugh. It was never going to work. He got very upset when I wanted to stop seeing him, but he's stopped talking as much lately. I hope he's getting the idea that we're both better off with other people. I want him to be happy, but I don't think we'll ever make each other happy.

In the meantime, the only person I've slept with lately is Mark, my good friend. It's still only OK / silly / fun, but, he's already on the list, who cares.

OK, so let's dish about Martin. Martin is a friend I've had for most of this year. I think we met in Feb or March. He's in town during the week for business, but he lives across the country. A couple of months ago, a few of the people in our group of friends ended up crashing at a friend's (due to not wanting to drive after drinking), and we were both not THAT drunk...ended up making out. Didn't do anything else because there were people sleeping in the same room...bad! Nothing really came of that. I didn't push it. I mean he doesn't even live here, you know?

Well, last week he ended up missing his flight back home, so since most of his friends were on a camping trip, he asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner, since he didn't have any plans obviously, being in town unexpectedly for another evening. I said sure, why not? He had tried to get me to hang out at a concert the night before, but I hadn't really wanted to go (didn't care for the artist), and he'd guilt-tripped me for declining even though I didn't have other plans. So I figured I'd let him buy me some dinner to make up for his dicky guilt-trip.

I did NOT know, however, that we'd end up going downtown to the fanciest restaurant I've ever eaten at. I'm not kidding, the bill was more than half of my rent. Here's something about Martin - that is nothing unusual for him. He makes a LOT of money, and it's not exactly a secret. But this is the most any man has ever spent on me like...for anything. And let's not forget, I'm not even dating Martin.

But it was a little tricky, since we'd kissed that one night. We both knew the attraction was there. On the drive back to my place, he started kinda...tousling my hair. When we got back to my place, there was that awkwardness. But he went for the kiss. I was so wined and dined that I couldn't possibly say no. I climbed on his lap, and things got hot. But still clothed.

He then uhm, hinted that he wouldn't mind coming inside. And I'm thinking what, do I sleep with him? I mean, if this were a guy I was dating, of course I would. But I almost felt like...obligated, after that expensive dinner. And then I cringed. As I was sitting in his BMW convertible, I realized I didn't want him to see my dumpy little apartment. My dumpy apartment with my TV I've had for 8 years and my bed with a comforter I've had even longer. My couch that I got for free that I inherited from a former friend after she moved in with her boyfriend.

I freaked out and told him we couldn't. Then made a bunch of other awkward comments. He was clearly annoyed...not that he wasn't getting any, but that I was so self-conscious. But how could I not be?

And what was the point, anyway? I was just going to be his out-of-town fucktoy. I mean, he's not trying to date me. He could get someone much better looking than me, as he is smart, good-looking, and rolling in the dough. I don't mean this as an insult to myself - it's just a fact. The prettier women would probably be much easier than me, too. (Not as awesome, of course, and probably much less sassy.) It's like...why would he even bother putting work into trying to get into my pants?

And I felt bad too, for myself. Seriously, I do need to get laid. And he's a great kisser. Probably great in bed too. I already got a peek at his dick, and it's great. But I worry that I wouldn't keep trying to date someone if I were fucking him. Or would it not be a regular thing? There's no point in fucking someone just once; I'd feel so worthless. And of course, we'd still be seeing each other at the weekly group get-together. And then I'd feel weird if it were just once. And I couldn't stop going to the get-togethers either, since my other friends there would ask why I stopped going.

And also...there's a guy who is 3 1/2 years younger than me (Martin is my same age) who also goes to the weekly get-together, Dean. I find him sexy for some reason, though I am sure I'm not his type. He's super-nerdy, & I do have a weakness for nerds...but he's also not really someone I could date. He's into pot, which I hate. He also smokes in general, gross. But there is one huge cool thing about him - he is also childfree. Doesn't ever want children at all. (Martin does, of course.)

Once, when I was lamenting not being able to go out drinking (I recently got a DUI), Dean was like, "Oh, I'll pick you up and we can go to brunch!" Then he realized he would be out of town. He hasn't brought it up since. I keep hoping he will again. Again, I didn't really think he would be interested, but little things like that make me wonder. Also, I was telling him about a Halloween (yes, already) party that I'm attending, and he made a pouty face that he wasn't on the invite list (probably because our friend having the party doesn't have him on Facebook).

And also, of course, Dean and Martin hang out once a week at the get-together. Dean loves to make fun of Martin, and sometimes I'll join in. Martin, in a group, is normally "on" in, he's very outgoing and talkative. It's kind of a show, almost. But mostly I laugh because of course, I've hung out with Martin not in a crowd, and I know he's not really so like that. And I know what it's like to be "on" when in a group of friends, since I'm quieter in general.

So that I've discussed them both...Dean is more where I am, financially...but honestly, going out to a fancy place was so nice. I wonder how Martin is feeling about the whole "I didn't put out" stuff...and if he'll want to take me out again or not. He already had mentioned doing something ridiculous and over-the-top for my birthday - getting a limousine so that nobody would have to drive. The idea of having a limousine is I mean, I've never been in one. I didn't really have any ideas for my birthday, and it's a big one (30).

I mean, is this equivalent to having a sugar daddy? I'm not going to lie, I felt a little like a potential prostitute after the expensive dinner. But like, he's my age, of course, and I am attracted to him, so would it be horrible if he were to buy me some nice things? I don't know. I don't have any other friends with this kind of money, so I don't know how to handle it.

All I know is that I'm nervous about the next get-together.

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