More on Ryan

Okay, I guess I was just a little freaked out by all of the changes. I haven't really dated anyone in about a year! I feel a lot better than I did when I wrote the last entry. Last Monday Ryan and I had sex again, and it was fun. I did get off when he went down on me. (I had a feeling I would. Even though I didn't get off the last time, I was drunk, but not so drunk that I didn't realize he was clearly good at what he was doing.) And he got off with me on top, which I always like. We haven't done it in the past week, since I've been on my period, though I'm sure we will this weekend. He's definitely strong enough to...take control, so I'm excited about that. This is totally ridiculous, but he sent me a dirty text message...and it kind of made me like him more. Oh, and I did actually choose to think of him the last couple of times I've hit the vibe.

As for the non-sex stuff, I guess after having a talk with my friend Belle, I got a little perspective. She's dating a guy right now, and I think he's just not quite right for her. She told me someone asked her to describe how she felt about him, and she said that he was great, but there just weren't fireworks. Then her friend said, fine, but do you like him more and more every day? And Belle replied that she thought she liked him the same. And I was afraid of that with Ryan, because there just wasn't that tingly feeling after our initial drunken meeting. But I thought about it today, and I realize he's kind of...winning me over.

It doesn't usually happen like that for me. But what I've been doing before hasn't been working, so why not give something else a shot? He's still talking to me every day via phone or facebook, and I've known him almost a month. (I do wish we had a bit of IM banter, but we do have facebook IM banter, so that's something.) And he's taken me out a couple of times. Cooked dinner for me three times. Seriously, he's going to make me fat!

But I find him bringing out my romantic side. I want to leave stupid little sweet notes around his house. I want to get him potholders.

I come back to the thoughts of Belle and her guy. She told me today that he's a great guy, but he's not the best kisser, and the sex is just too vanilla for her liking. At least Ryan is a good kisser, so I have that so far. Obviously we haven't been having enough sex yet for me to worry about it being vanilla. He did mention that he wanted to see me in an uhh, sexy halloween costume that I have. Belle's guy didn't even get excited about her corset or vampy vinyl boots. Somehow I don't think I'll have a problem with Ryan in that area though. At least I hope not. Maybe, the next time he comes over, I'll already be dressed up in some sexy lingerie.

But I'm feeling better in general (much to my relief). Oh, and I told Will about him. He asked how long we'd been dating, but I think he got the idea. Why does it even make me sad? I knew that things with him would end once I met someone, since he doesn't really date. Hopefully the sex with Ryan will be totally amazing soon once we get used to each other, then I won't feel like I'm missing out on anything with Will. We'll see.

Ryan

Okay, so I really should have written sooner, but I just haven't had time. I started seeing a new guy, Ryan. I met him two weeks ago, and things are going fine so far. I say fine, because I feel like I should be happier than I am with him. He's affectionate. He likes to cook. He's got manners. But I'm just concerned that there's not enough attraction. When we hang out, it's fun. But I don't feel the electricity that I have with some other guys. This sounds so awful, but I just love the attention.

The other day he mentioned wanting to take a trip in May. I was thinking, "Am I still going to be seeing him in May?" This is so bad. I don't know what it is. Something is just missing. Oh, and even worse, he took me out last night. Cooked me one of the best meals I've had in my life, too. And we went back to his place and drank. We ended up having sex. I wish we wouldn't have had our first time drunk. It was awkward. He went down on me like, forever, and I didn't get off. It's harder when I'm drunk.

Again, this is horrible. It just...was not great sex. I really hope it's because he was just as drunk as I was. Fuck, Will really spoiled me. I was just so used to the amazing sex that we have. We haven't in about two months. Part of it was because I'd met Ryan, but the first part of it was just I think...we may have just run out of ideas. He was wanting to buy me a new costume. Yes, buy me. But I was having a hard time telling him that my size was a bit bigger than he was predicting. Things just kind of got weird after that. Shit, I even bought the boots he wanted me to get...and they are still in the box. (Guess I could dress up for Ryan. He'd love it.)

This is got to the be the worst entry I've written in awhile. I just feel restless. I know when I realized something was wrong with the way I feel about Ryan: when I was masturbating the other night, I didn't think about him. Normally I think about the guy I'm seeing...and I was thinking about Mark instead. Mark, who is visiting later this month. Sex isn't spectacular with him either, but it's very fun and casual. But now...can I still have sex with him, now that I'm officially sleeping with Ryan? Probably not. Man, I wish I could think about something other than the fact that I want to call up Will right now and fuck the hell out of him...