End of Ryan...and the future.

Subject line says all. Ryan dumped me. He didn't know what he wanted in life.The kids thing came up again. He isn't sure whether or not he wants children, and I'm sure I don't. He said, "I just haven't met anyone I want to have kids with yet." I took that to mean that he did want them. He just hasn't found the right person. I am obviously not that person.

I'm disappointed. The sex had gotten so great. Like I'd mentioned in the last entry, we'd stopped using condoms, and it really is better, dammit. Once we'd uhm, been a bit caught in the act. We'd gone swimming at a friend's, who lives in a high-rise with a rooftop pool. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, so we did it in the bathroom. Nobody saw, but a couple of people had walked in, seen two sets of legs in the stall, and quickly exited.

I guess I need to think about the good and the bad. Bad news is that I won't be getting laid anytime soon. After dating Ryan for almost 6 months, I'm just not ready yet for anything with anyone. I'm not sure if I'll jump back into bed with Will...but it would be so easy. Will has already come to my rescue as much as he knows how, chatting online. We haven't hung out in person since before I met Ryan, because well, there really was no need.

But would I want to sleep with him ever again? I just don't know. Maybe once we could hang out and just not do anything, just get drunk and watch some DVDs or something. I might need an easy start. At least he's been really nice and supportive. It's nice to see him becoming more of a grownup, even though I still don't really view him as more than a friend who is also a great lay.

As good as the sex with Ryan was, it wasn't TOO adventurous. I wonder if that's something we'd eventually have gotten to as the relationship continued, or if Ryan would have never been into it at all. He never tied me up, even though we'd talked about it, and he'd even put ties on his bedframe and everything. I never really dressed up as anything. He didn't seem to care much about that. Hell, some of my lingerie hasn't made it out of my closet since I was sleeping with Will. Ryan could have stood to kink it up a bit more. Again, I don't know that he'd never have been up for it.

And we'd still never gotten as consistent as Will and I had. We'd come to orgasm together a few times, but he still didn't get off just because I was getting off. I guess I shouldn't be too upset. I mean, it was great, but I still think there is potential for better sex in my life.

Mike talked to me online almost immediately after it happened. He tried to hit me up for action, but I told him I wasn't ready. Honestly, he's great, but after experiencing cocks the size of Ryan's, Will's, and Liam's...I just don't want to bother with Mike's.

One thing though. If I do sleep with Will again, fuck, I am going to have to get in shape. I gained a little over 10 pounds while dating Ryan. I'm not sure what caused it--being on the pill, having him cook not the healthiest foods for me, or us going out to eat all the time and also therefore not eating as healthily. Or any combination of those things. I wonder if I should stay on the pill, since I still have refills left on my prescription. I finished out my old pack that I'd obviously started when Ryan and I were still dating, but do I keep going or not? I got the new pack, but I wouldn't start till tomorrow. Or since I don't think I'll be having sex anytime soon, maybe just keep the pill packs for now, then start up again later? I think that might be the best option. At least I know going off the pill isn't going to hurt my ability to drop those extra pounds.

I know it shouldn't really matter, but it was just more important to look good for Will, since what we had was purely physical. Plus, Will is in great shape, defined and very lean, and Ryan had well, a few extra pounds, so well, I didn't feel so bad when I added a few.

So well...that's where I'm at. I recently went on vacation (escape of breakup sadness), and I had a random guy hit on me and kiss me. It was awful. Ugh, I hate that all I could think of was that I'd so much rather be kissing Ryan. The really bad thing is that I know I can do better than Ryan. I've gotten better looking guys before, including Will. I'm really going to try not to get too down about this. We'll see.