Sunday, April 19, 2009

Still with Ryan

Okay, now it's been awhile. It's that annoying "Is he my boyfriend?" time with me and Ryan. I'll assume yes. I keep throwing things out there, like mentioning other guys, and he shrugs them off, saying stuff like, "There better not be other guys!" and laughing. I still haven't introduced him to any of my friends. I've met a ton of his friends. I'm just so hesitant to do that, before I really know. But I got tired of having to explain that I wasn't sure to a couple of guys who were hitting on me (Mike is one), so I just changed everything to "In a Relationship." Ryan has not done the same thing. Oh well. He doesn't seem to notice that I've even changed mine.

The sex is still fun. Something majorly different: I am on the pill now. I have been for almost a month. Last week, Ryan and I started having sex without a condom. It's vastly different for him, I know. But it's a little different for me too. (I'd never actually done it before.) Somehow it feels more raw, emotional, romantic...but ugh, it just feels awkward when he doesn't pull out. He did the first couple of times, but then he stopped, because of course I'm sure it feels better not to pull out. But things inside me just feel weird when he does that. Like sticky or drippy or something. I'd say TMI, but nobody's reading this.

We still haven't quite gotten into a groove though. Sometimes it's great, and sometimes it's subpar. Yesterday the first time was kind of not-so-great, but I can attribute that to the fact that we hadn't seen each other in a few days (so he didn't last very long). He said something similar, and that at least once a day was ideal for him. And that's good, since that's ideal for me too.

It's not boring at least. But of course I have to compare it to Will. Things with Will just had gotten so consistent. And I loved that he got off JUST by my getting off. I mean, it wasn't like that every time, but it was most of the time. Ryan does not get off when I get off. I don't think we've ever managed to match things up quite right. Even when I get off after what I feel is a decent amount of sex, he still doesn't get off till later. And this sounds so bad, but fucking hell, why doesn't he get off from me getting off?

Damn Will and Liam and their amazing sex moments.

Though of course, with Ryan it's been nice to have romantic sex again. Will and I hadn't even done it totally naked since we'd started sleeping together again. He always needed the getup. And while I enjoy it sometimes, it definitely can't be all the time. Even when I wear sexy things, Ryan likes to strip me down before we actually have sex, which is sweet. And we've been sleeping together for over a month, and I still haven't even shown him all of my lingerie, which is nice.

I got weird and emotional around him yesterday. I'm not even sure totally why. It's almost like I could see myself reacting the way that I was, from a distance, like I was watching myself or something...I was almost crying for no really good reason. I just don't know. I'm so scared of getting close to him. I don't want to get close if it's not forever, and I don't think either of us thinks this is forever. For example, I've made it clear that I don't want kids. And he still talks like he may be interested in them. So he obviously doesn't see himself as living happily ever after with me.

As for me...I'm not sure if he's serious enough for me. But I really don't know him well enough to know for sure. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I wish that I could just fast-forward through this difficult part of my life and on to the easy, happy part.

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