Ryan

Okay, so I really should have written sooner, but I just haven't had time. I started seeing a new guy, Ryan. I met him two weeks ago, and things are going fine so far. I say fine, because I feel like I should be happier than I am with him. He's affectionate. He likes to cook. He's got manners. But I'm just concerned that there's not enough attraction. When we hang out, it's fun. But I don't feel the electricity that I have with some other guys. This sounds so awful, but I just love the attention.

The other day he mentioned wanting to take a trip in May. I was thinking, "Am I still going to be seeing him in May?" This is so bad. I don't know what it is. Something is just missing. Oh, and even worse, he took me out last night. Cooked me one of the best meals I've had in my life, too. And we went back to his place and drank. We ended up having sex. I wish we wouldn't have had our first time drunk. It was awkward. He went down on me like, forever, and I didn't get off. It's harder when I'm drunk.

Again, this is horrible. It just...was not great sex. I really hope it's because he was just as drunk as I was. Fuck, Will really spoiled me. I was just so used to the amazing sex that we have. We haven't in about two months. Part of it was because I'd met Ryan, but the first part of it was just I think...we may have just run out of ideas. He was wanting to buy me a new costume. Yes, buy me. But I was having a hard time telling him that my size was a bit bigger than he was predicting. Things just kind of got weird after that. Shit, I even bought the boots he wanted me to get...and they are still in the box. (Guess I could dress up for Ryan. He'd love it.)

This is got to the be the worst entry I've written in awhile. I just feel restless. I know when I realized something was wrong with the way I feel about Ryan: when I was masturbating the other night, I didn't think about him. Normally I think about the guy I'm seeing...and I was thinking about Mark instead. Mark, who is visiting later this month. Sex isn't spectacular with him either, but it's very fun and casual. But now...can I still have sex with him, now that I'm officially sleeping with Ryan? Probably not. Man, I wish I could think about something other than the fact that I want to call up Will right now and fuck the hell out of him...