Ross

OK, so there is absolutely no way I can not write about Ross in here, and we haven't even done anything yet. Well, not technically. Ross is a guy I dated 5 years ago, this time of year even. We lived on opposite sides of town, and neither of us liked to drive, so it was doomed. We both acknowledged this and decided to have a casual fling. It ended with Ross slowly breaking off contact, like many men do, instead of telling you they've lost interest. But could I really get mad? It wasn't serious. I was busy starting a new job (and started dating Will immediately afterwards), so I quickly filed him away in the "good" section.

Now, the details of our fling. We met online and talked a few times before, trying to feel things out. I found him extremely attractive, so that's another reason I agreed to a casual thing with him. And he was in a band, so as a girl who hadn't seen 25 yet, that was also attractive. We talked about our sexual tastes, and right off the bat, he asked if I was into bondage. I replied that I'd never tried it, but I wasn't turned off by the idea, either.

So yes, I went for it. And it was so much better than I thought it could be. Ross was just as good-looking in person, and he had a nice-sized cock: big, but not so large that it would be horrible without lube. The regular sex was great, and the bondage sex was extra great, since it was something new. We only hung out a few times, but I regret nothing.

I haven't had anyone get that kinky with me since. I've told some guys about bondage, but nobody was as enthusiastic about it as Ross, so it wasn't as fun for me. It's fun for me, but it's extra-fun when the guy's really into it too.

So last week, I was pleasantly surprised to see a message from Ross in my inbox. Just checking on me. We exchanged a few messages, and he ended it by saying that he wouldn't mind it if we kept writing. I'm thinking that I wouldn't mind it if he came over and tied me up! But I tried to play it cool and exchanged IM information.

We ended up talking for 4 hours the first time we reconnected. It was so fun. And he did slyly mention he had some new rope that he wanted to try out. I was still a bit coy. Then we started talking about sex clothes, since he was asking what else I'd done since him, and I told him about Will's fetish. He started asking for pics of my sexy outfits, but I didn't have any. So I told him he should let me know if he was interested in seeing them in person. He replied immediately that he was!

And get this - he is actually trying to get to know me! He had previously mentioned that he was looking for something more substantial these days, so I'm hopeful. It's a bit weird - I'm realizing how little I knew about him before. He's quieter than I realized, and his social life is lacking compared to mine, which is a little too crazy sometimes. We're both kind of quiet. He seems a bit bummed out about his life lately, and I want to help him be unbummed, whether it's in the bedroom or otherwise. After all, I helped Belle with that, after her divorce, so I can do it again!

We still haven't met up yet. After all this time, it's like starting over! I already told him I'd be nervous. He said he would be too. But one thing that hasn't changed at all is his sense of humor. He completely killed me with some of the things he's said in our limited amount of time that we've been reconnecting. He does seem a bit more serious than back then. But you know, I guess I didn't really know him that well.

I'm really hopeful. I haven't seen any new pics of him, though, but he's advised his body is still the same, which was almost unhealthy-rail-thin. Which I don't mind at all, naturally. Back then, I was attracted to him instantly, and I don't see that going away. And I'm not going to lie, I do like that he kept my phone number after all these years.

As for me on my own...it's been hard getting through the workdays. All I've gotten lately is Mark, and he doesn't even count. (He'd be offended by that, but I don't mean it's bad. I just can't get as into it with him.) I am so aroused just thinking about seeing him again...I've been hitting the vibe almost daily. Definitely will have to tonight. And I know I won't have the same problem with him that I had with Warren; Ross's sex drive is out of control, too.

It's kind of weird to be so nervous and excited for someone I've already slept with! But I really am with him, so far. I hope I have something good to write in here soon. It's been too long.

Martin and Dean

Yeah, so nothing happened with Matt. He stopped talking to me and stopped playing Words With Friends with me. Bummer city. Oh well.

With Warren...he talked me into hanging out a few more times. And each time I remembered why I didn't want to hang out with him. He brought out the worst in me. He would just get so wasted that he wouldn't be interested in even doing anything...ugh. It was never going to work. He got very upset when I wanted to stop seeing him, but he's stopped talking as much lately. I hope he's getting the idea that we're both better off with other people. I want him to be happy, but I don't think we'll ever make each other happy.

In the meantime, the only person I've slept with lately is Mark, my good friend. It's still only OK / silly / fun, but well...eh, he's already on the list, who cares.


OK, so let's dish about Martin. Martin is a friend I've had for most of this year. I think we met in Feb or March. He's in town during the week for business, but he lives across the country. A couple of months ago, a few of the people in our group of friends ended up crashing at a friend's (due to not wanting to drive after drinking), and we were both not THAT drunk...ended up making out. Didn't do anything else because there were people sleeping in the same room...bad! Nothing really came of that. I didn't push it. I mean he doesn't even live here, you know?

Well, last week he ended up missing his flight back home, so since most of his friends were on a camping trip, he asked me if I wanted to grab some dinner, since he didn't have any plans obviously, being in town unexpectedly for another evening. I said sure, why not? He had tried to get me to hang out at a concert the night before, but I hadn't really wanted to go (didn't care for the artist), and he'd guilt-tripped me for declining even though I didn't have other plans. So I figured I'd let him buy me some dinner to make up for his dicky guilt-trip.

I did NOT know, however, that we'd end up going downtown to the fanciest restaurant I've ever eaten at. I'm not kidding, the bill was more than half of my rent. Here's something about Martin - that is nothing unusual for him. He makes a LOT of money, and it's not exactly a secret. But this is the most any man has ever spent on me like...for anything. And let's not forget, I'm not even dating Martin.

But it was a little tricky, since we'd kissed that one night. We both knew the attraction was there. On the drive back to my place, he started kinda...tousling my hair. When we got back to my place, there was that awkwardness. But he went for the kiss. I was so wined and dined that I couldn't possibly say no. I climbed on his lap, and things got hot. But still clothed.

He then uhm, hinted that he wouldn't mind coming inside. And I'm thinking what, do I sleep with him? I mean, if this were a guy I was dating, of course I would. But I almost felt like...obligated, after that expensive dinner. And then I cringed. As I was sitting in his BMW convertible, I realized I didn't want him to see my dumpy little apartment. My dumpy apartment with my TV I've had for 8 years and my bed with a comforter I've had even longer. My couch that I got for free that I inherited from a former friend after she moved in with her boyfriend.

I freaked out and told him we couldn't. Then made a bunch of other awkward comments. He was clearly annoyed...not that he wasn't getting any, but that I was so self-conscious. But how could I not be?

And what was the point, anyway? I was just going to be his out-of-town fucktoy. I mean, he's not trying to date me. He could get someone much better looking than me, as he is smart, good-looking, and rolling in the dough. I don't mean this as an insult to myself - it's just a fact. The prettier women would probably be much easier than me, too. (Not as awesome, of course, and probably much less sassy.) It's like...why would he even bother putting work into trying to get into my pants?

And I felt bad too, for myself. Seriously, I do need to get laid. And he's a great kisser. Probably great in bed too. I already got a peek at his dick, and it's great. But I worry that I wouldn't keep trying to date someone if I were fucking him. Or would it not be a regular thing? There's no point in fucking someone just once; I'd feel so worthless. And of course, we'd still be seeing each other at the weekly group get-together. And then I'd feel weird if it were just once. And I couldn't stop going to the get-togethers either, since my other friends there would ask why I stopped going.

And also...there's a guy who is 3 1/2 years younger than me (Martin is my same age) who also goes to the weekly get-together, Dean. I find him sexy for some reason, though I am sure I'm not his type. He's super-nerdy, & I do have a weakness for nerds...but he's also not really someone I could date. He's into pot, which I hate. He also smokes in general, gross. But there is one huge cool thing about him - he is also childfree. Doesn't ever want children at all. (Martin does, of course.)

Once, when I was lamenting not being able to go out drinking (I recently got a DUI), Dean was like, "Oh, I'll pick you up and we can go to brunch!" Then he realized he would be out of town. He hasn't brought it up since. I keep hoping he will again. Again, I didn't really think he would be interested, but little things like that make me wonder. Also, I was telling him about a Halloween (yes, already) party that I'm attending, and he made a pouty face that he wasn't on the invite list (probably because our friend having the party doesn't have him on Facebook).

And also, of course, Dean and Martin hang out once a week at the get-together. Dean loves to make fun of Martin, and sometimes I'll join in. Martin, in a group, is normally "on"...as in, he's very outgoing and talkative. It's kind of a show, almost. But mostly I laugh because of course, I've hung out with Martin not in a crowd, and I know he's not really so like that. And I know what it's like to be "on" when in a group of friends, since I'm quieter in general.

So well...now that I've discussed them both...Dean is more where I am, financially...but honestly, going out to a fancy place was so nice. I wonder how Martin is feeling about the whole "I didn't put out" stuff...and if he'll want to take me out again or not. He already had mentioned doing something ridiculous and over-the-top for my birthday - getting a limousine so that nobody would have to drive. The idea of having a limousine is just...wow. I mean, I've never been in one. I didn't really have any ideas for my birthday, and it's a big one (30).

I mean, is this equivalent to having a sugar daddy? I'm not going to lie, I felt a little like a potential prostitute after the expensive dinner. But like, he's my age, of course, and I am attracted to him, so would it be horrible if he were to buy me some nice things? I don't know. I don't have any other friends with this kind of money, so I don't know how to handle it.

All I know is that I'm nervous about the next get-together.

Warren and Matt

So things didn't really work out with Warren. Because this stuff started right at the beginning of the holiday season, timing wasn't great. We tried. But at the end of the day, he just wasn't ready for a relationship, despite his initial declaration. He didn't talk to me for awhile, and eventually he admitted that he was afraid of being in a relationship. I told him that I understood...that if he ever found he did want one, that I was around. That we could keep seeing each other casually if he wanted, but I wasn't going to wait around for him either.

Lately he's been texting me or IMing me saying that he really misses me. Like, every time. Yet he doesn't make plans to hang out. We talked today, and he said he definitely wants to hang out soon. But he's so lousy at making plans that I'm not sure if it'll happen. He's very indecisive, and that gets old with me fast. And him being indecisive is one thing that makes him afraid of relationships, because his last one was way too dragged out, because he couldn't get up the courage to just make a decision and dump her when she cheated. Oh well.

And not to be a jerk, but well...the sex wasn't very good. We only did it a few times, and each time he came really quickly. Probably because we weren't doing it often enough. I wanted to do it every time we saw each other, but he didn't. Nice dick though, great size. He also wasn't the best kisser in the world. Not bad, but I've had better. Since things have ended, I've made out (but not fucked) with three other guys, and they were all great kissers, so I've kind of realized that I really missed that with Warren. I know I can try to train him, but well...seriously, he's 34, he should be trained already! I don't know if I can change that at that age.


So I have someone new to write about, Matt. I met Matt in January, when Warren was doing his "not talking" to me. We met via some mutual friends at a bar, and he added "Words with Friends" on my iPhone. He is, to put it mildly, ridiculously attractive. Tall, slender but not too skinny, blue eyes. Absolutely delicious, much more attractive than me. And he wants to play Scrabble with me? I'm in. We added each other on Facebook, etc. Seemed like a good guy, plus eye candy, though honestly, I figured he was too hot to be interested into being anything more than my friend. I'm not ugly, but I'm not super-hot either. He's a 10, and I'm more of a 7.

So the WWF app has a chat function too. Eventually he actually started hitting on me. I didn't realize he was into me when we met. I didn't know how serious he was. Well, he asked what I was doing a few weekends ago. I was actually already going out of town, which actually bummed me out because it seemed like he was going to ask me out! I figured we could start things up when I got home the next week, and I was actually really excited...seriously, he's very attractive, politically progressive, hilarious, dirty, and intelligent on top of all that. And he's hitting on me, why? I still can't figure it out for the life of me. He's also just a few months younger than me, so the right age as well.

While I was gone, he landed his dream job and moved halfway across the country.

It would be an understatement to say that I was seriously bummed out. Of course, I think I would have been even more bummed out had we been dating for a bit. And I also would have been bummed out had he not taken a job because of not wanting to leave me. So it was really a lose-lose for me. What can you do? He kind of stopped chatting with me on WWF, so I figured I missed out, but well, that's that.

Today he started flirting with me again. He called me a tease, and I said I wasn't teasing, I was willing...then he said I should have told him that before he'd moved. I responded back that I had flight benefits (I work for an airline), so it was no big deal for me to just jump on a plane, so he'd better watch his mouth, or I was going to fly out there and call him on it! I told him I could come out this weekend if he wanted. Then he responded that he hadn't even gotten furniture yet, but that I was more than welcome to come out when he did, and that he would violate me all over town. I asked him if he was serious, because I really would visit, since I do actually like the city he moved to. He said that he really was serious.

Yes, I realize that it would be nothing but sex. But holy shit, this guy is so attractive that it might just be worth it. I haven't gotten any action in two months thanks to Warren and his issues. And I'm not kidding, this guy was talking some serious filth. Like that I wouldn't be able to see the sights since I'd be tied up! And that he'd be violating me before we even got into the door. I do wonder if he'd really tie me up...because well, I'm into that, and only one guy has ever actually been into it too. I haven't had nearly enough kink in my sex life. And doing stuff in public places? Bring it on. Even if he's not really that kinky, let's face it, I haven't gotten laid lately, period. And I have no dating prospects other than Warren, which is a big question mark anyway. We might eventually work things out, but I really don't see the harm in getting my needs met in the meantime.

So I might fly halfway across the country just to get laid. I wonder, should things go well, if I'd visit him more than once. He probably won't stay single though, so probably not. He's really too attractive not to find a girlfriend quickly. I really hate adding people to my "list" if it's just meaningless sex, but for some reason, I really want this guy. He's just so great. Besides, should he ever return to this state, I want him to know he has someone who likes him here. It would be awesome if eventually we ended up dating (and I'd probably move for him, assuming I could get a job), but I'm really going to try to be realistic about it and appreciate it for what it is, hot sex with a hot guy.

And hey, then I'll have more stuff to write about in here, right? Heh.

Warren

So there's someone new.

See, for the past, I don't know, five or so years, I've had this friend Warren. When I met him, I was initially attracted to him, but there were a few factors that made me put him in the friend box. For one, he was in a relationship (which ended shortly after we met). Also, a mutual friend of ours had a thing for him, even though he'd not been interested in her being anything other than a friend. And well, he hadn't expressed interest in me, so I figured no harm in keeping him as a friend. He's a fun guy who likes to go out a lot, and with mutual friends, I'd be seeing him around.

He then got involved in a long-term relationship. He would flirt with me online all the time, but nothing ever came of it, so I didn't see any harm. I just figured he was a flirt...and well, if flirting that results in nothing is his worst problem, I figured he was a decent enough guy. Over the years we've gone out for drinks plenty of times, in groups or just the two of us, and he's never hit on me in person, so I deemed him a fun friend (but nothing more). The attraction had even dissipated for the most part, since it seemed not to be mutual. No biggie--wasn't meant to be.

He's been single since about February, which of course was when I happened to meet Ryan. I don't think I saw him the entire time I was with Ryan...not for any reason, we just didn't talk much. Since a lot of our friendship was talking online, I didn't really think anything of it. After things with Ryan went into the toilet, he began asking me to hang out again. So we went out for drinks...I was upset, since I was still post-breakup emotional, and I got sloppy drunk and passed out at his place. I felt a little ridiculous in the morning, let me tell you. I booked it out of there while he was asleep, mortified that I couldn't remember the latter part of the evening. But I did know he didn't try anything--he's a nice guy who wouldn't take advantage.

I didn't talk to him after. I stayed off IM to avoid him, and I avoided his texts. I felt like such an ass...I know that all I did was whine about Ryan while he bought me drinks all night. Finally he confronted me on Facebook IM and asked if he did something wrong. Of course not--I was the one who did something wrong, obviously! He said it was fine, that he didn't care.

So recently I was out with my friend Lynn, and he invited us over to play Wii. I don't care for it, but she does, so I went...as I needed to sober up anyway. And I kind of wanted to hang out with him in a situation that didn't involve my getting wasted and making an ass out of myself. Everything went just fine, and I was pretty pleased. As we were leaving, just as Lynn was out the door, he pulled me aside, so I told her to give us a moment. I asked him what was going on, and he kissed me. I was surprised. He said, "I want you to be my girlfriend." Those exact words. And I was just...in shock. I didn't know what to say. Finally, I said something like, "Why are you saying this now, after all these years? Almost all the time I've known you, you've had a girlfriend!" He replied, "Well, I'm single now." He then grabbed me and threw me down on his bed, and I pretty much immediately got up, because well, Lynn was waiting outside in the (somewhat) cold. I just told him I couldn't really deal with it now, but we could talk about it later, kissed him, and left.

I mean, what the HELL.

So like the girl I am, I pick it apart with my friends. I try to figure out if I can be more than friends with him. See, there is a little problem...I met him via a mutual friend, Beth. Beth had originally told me she was interested in him (again, keep in mind this is over five years ago), but that they were just friends. Warren had told me many times over the years that while he thinks she's a fun person and likes her as a friend...there's zero attraction. And I can see it...while I do think she's pretty, she and I don't really have the same girl 'aesthetic'...she's more edgy rock chick, and I'm a little more...girl-next-door with a wild / slightly exotic side.

She moved away for awhile, but earlier this year she moved back, and apparently she's asking him to hang out more often. He told me that she was upset because the last few times they've hung out, he's always brought a friend along. He said that he realized she was thinking of these as 'dates,' while he was thinking it was just drinking with friends. He's already told her that he'd rather keep things as friends (trying not to be blunt to say that nothing would happen because there is no attraction), so he doesn't know what more he can say without being a jerk.

As if this wasn't going to be weird enough.

We hung out a week ago. And I did it again--drank myself to death because of nervousness. Again woke up in a hungover mess. I almost started crying when he woke me up telling me he had to go to work...all dressed up in a suit. Wow. I'd never seen him dressed in work clothes. Sexy as all hell. And I was a total wreck. I apologized and told him I had no idea why he liked me and that I'd understand if he didn't want to continue. He hugged me. And told me he was still crazy about me. And that day, while we were both at work, he texted me all day. I normally hate texting, but it was so great then.

He was out of town this past weekend, but we didn't talk. We did yesterday, and he continued flirting with me, despite the fact that I seem to have done just about everything I can to make him think I'm totally disgusting.

But I mean, how can we date? Eventually Beth is going to find out. He's talking about taking a trip together already...and we haven't really done much beyond kissing. And doesn't taking a trip equate to sleeping together? I don't know. I still am having a bit of trouble imagining fucking him...but mostly because we've just known each other THAT long. But if we take a trip together, I can't imagine everyone we know not finding out about it, no matter how secret we try to keep it.

After all the analyzing and thinking about it...I do think I can like him...and I am very scared. And after all the things I've done, he still says he's crazy attracted to me and likes me a lot. I wonder how much, exactly. I wonder, if while I was thinking he was firmly in the friend box all these years, if he was thinking 'what if' with me.

I am terrified about the idea of potentially falling in love with him. This is uncharted territory for me. I always hit on the guy right away. I've never dated a guy I've been (mostly) platonic friends with for years. Now that I think I might be able to emotionally and mentally make the transition of my feelings...how in the hell is this going to all work out?

Recovery

I've been trying to get over Ryan. It's been hard. I don't have any dating prospects. I don't know where to find them.

I saw Mark a couple of weeks ago. We had sex, and it was...amusing. We are ridiculous as usual. And things are always great with Mark, because he cracks me up to no end. He started talking about baseball in the middle of it. So hilarious. I mean, I didn't get off, but I didn't expect to. I figured why the hell not? Since I have no idea when the next time I'll get laid is.

Will has kept in touch. He sent me a sexy outfit that he'd like to see me in about a month ago. I told him it was too soon. He respectfully backed off to just friendly conversation. I still don't know if I could start things back up with Will. I just don't want to spend tons of money on slutty outfits to wear for a guy I'm not even dating...doesn't seem very practical.

Hopefully I can find a new guy to date sometime soon...

End of Ryan...and the future.

Subject line says all. Ryan dumped me. He didn't know what he wanted in life.The kids thing came up again. He isn't sure whether or not he wants children, and I'm sure I don't. He said, "I just haven't met anyone I want to have kids with yet." I took that to mean that he did want them. He just hasn't found the right person. I am obviously not that person.

I'm disappointed. The sex had gotten so great. Like I'd mentioned in the last entry, we'd stopped using condoms, and it really is better, dammit. Once we'd uhm, been a bit caught in the act. We'd gone swimming at a friend's, who lives in a high-rise with a rooftop pool. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, so we did it in the bathroom. Nobody saw, but a couple of people had walked in, seen two sets of legs in the stall, and quickly exited.

I guess I need to think about the good and the bad. Bad news is that I won't be getting laid anytime soon. After dating Ryan for almost 6 months, I'm just not ready yet for anything with anyone. I'm not sure if I'll jump back into bed with Will...but it would be so easy. Will has already come to my rescue as much as he knows how, chatting online. We haven't hung out in person since before I met Ryan, because well, there really was no need.

But would I want to sleep with him ever again? I just don't know. Maybe once we could hang out and just not do anything, just get drunk and watch some DVDs or something. I might need an easy start. At least he's been really nice and supportive. It's nice to see him becoming more of a grownup, even though I still don't really view him as more than a friend who is also a great lay.

As good as the sex with Ryan was, it wasn't TOO adventurous. I wonder if that's something we'd eventually have gotten to as the relationship continued, or if Ryan would have never been into it at all. He never tied me up, even though we'd talked about it, and he'd even put ties on his bedframe and everything. I never really dressed up as anything. He didn't seem to care much about that. Hell, some of my lingerie hasn't made it out of my closet since I was sleeping with Will. Ryan could have stood to kink it up a bit more. Again, I don't know that he'd never have been up for it.

And we'd still never gotten as consistent as Will and I had. We'd come to orgasm together a few times, but he still didn't get off just because I was getting off. I guess I shouldn't be too upset. I mean, it was great, but I still think there is potential for better sex in my life.

Mike talked to me online almost immediately after it happened. He tried to hit me up for action, but I told him I wasn't ready. Honestly, he's great, but after experiencing cocks the size of Ryan's, Will's, and Liam's...I just don't want to bother with Mike's.

One thing though. If I do sleep with Will again, fuck, I am going to have to get in shape. I gained a little over 10 pounds while dating Ryan. I'm not sure what caused it--being on the pill, having him cook not the healthiest foods for me, or us going out to eat all the time and also therefore not eating as healthily. Or any combination of those things. I wonder if I should stay on the pill, since I still have refills left on my prescription. I finished out my old pack that I'd obviously started when Ryan and I were still dating, but do I keep going or not? I got the new pack, but I wouldn't start till tomorrow. Or since I don't think I'll be having sex anytime soon, maybe just keep the pill packs for now, then start up again later? I think that might be the best option. At least I know going off the pill isn't going to hurt my ability to drop those extra pounds.

I know it shouldn't really matter, but it was just more important to look good for Will, since what we had was purely physical. Plus, Will is in great shape, defined and very lean, and Ryan had well, a few extra pounds, so well, I didn't feel so bad when I added a few.

So well...that's where I'm at. I recently went on vacation (escape of breakup sadness), and I had a random guy hit on me and kiss me. It was awful. Ugh, I hate that all I could think of was that I'd so much rather be kissing Ryan. The really bad thing is that I know I can do better than Ryan. I've gotten better looking guys before, including Will. I'm really going to try not to get too down about this. We'll see.

Still with Ryan

Okay, now it's been awhile. It's that annoying "Is he my boyfriend?" time with me and Ryan. I'll assume yes. I keep throwing things out there, like mentioning other guys, and he shrugs them off, saying stuff like, "There better not be other guys!" and laughing. I still haven't introduced him to any of my friends. I've met a ton of his friends. I'm just so hesitant to do that, before I really know. But I got tired of having to explain that I wasn't sure to a couple of guys who were hitting on me (Mike is one), so I just changed everything to "In a Relationship." Ryan has not done the same thing. Oh well. He doesn't seem to notice that I've even changed mine.

The sex is still fun. Something majorly different: I am on the pill now. I have been for almost a month. Last week, Ryan and I started having sex without a condom. It's vastly different for him, I know. But it's a little different for me too. (I'd never actually done it before.) Somehow it feels more raw, emotional, romantic...but ugh, it just feels awkward when he doesn't pull out. He did the first couple of times, but then he stopped, because of course I'm sure it feels better not to pull out. But things inside me just feel weird when he does that. Like sticky or drippy or something. I'd say TMI, but nobody's reading this.

We still haven't quite gotten into a groove though. Sometimes it's great, and sometimes it's subpar. Yesterday the first time was kind of not-so-great, but I can attribute that to the fact that we hadn't seen each other in a few days (so he didn't last very long). He said something similar, and that at least once a day was ideal for him. And that's good, since that's ideal for me too.

It's not boring at least. But of course I have to compare it to Will. Things with Will just had gotten so consistent. And I loved that he got off JUST by my getting off. I mean, it wasn't like that every time, but it was most of the time. Ryan does not get off when I get off. I don't think we've ever managed to match things up quite right. Even when I get off after what I feel is a decent amount of sex, he still doesn't get off till later. And this sounds so bad, but fucking hell, why doesn't he get off from me getting off?

Damn Will and Liam and their amazing sex moments.

Though of course, with Ryan it's been nice to have romantic sex again. Will and I hadn't even done it totally naked since we'd started sleeping together again. He always needed the getup. And while I enjoy it sometimes, it definitely can't be all the time. Even when I wear sexy things, Ryan likes to strip me down before we actually have sex, which is sweet. And we've been sleeping together for over a month, and I still haven't even shown him all of my lingerie, which is nice.

I got weird and emotional around him yesterday. I'm not even sure totally why. It's almost like I could see myself reacting the way that I was, from a distance, like I was watching myself or something...I was almost crying for no really good reason. I just don't know. I'm so scared of getting close to him. I don't want to get close if it's not forever, and I don't think either of us thinks this is forever. For example, I've made it clear that I don't want kids. And he still talks like he may be interested in them. So he obviously doesn't see himself as living happily ever after with me.

As for me...I'm not sure if he's serious enough for me. But I really don't know him well enough to know for sure. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I wish that I could just fast-forward through this difficult part of my life and on to the easy, happy part.