Recovery

I've been trying to get over Ryan. It's been hard. I don't have any dating prospects. I don't know where to find them.

I saw Mark a couple of weeks ago. We had sex, and it was...amusing. We are ridiculous as usual. And things are always great with Mark, because he cracks me up to no end. He started talking about baseball in the middle of it. So hilarious. I mean, I didn't get off, but I didn't expect to. I figured why the hell not? Since I have no idea when the next time I'll get laid is.

Will has kept in touch. He sent me a sexy outfit that he'd like to see me in about a month ago. I told him it was too soon. He respectfully backed off to just friendly conversation. I still don't know if I could start things back up with Will. I just don't want to spend tons of money on slutty outfits to wear for a guy I'm not even dating...doesn't seem very practical.

Hopefully I can find a new guy to date sometime soon...

End of Ryan...and the future.

Subject line says all. Ryan dumped me. He didn't know what he wanted in life.The kids thing came up again. He isn't sure whether or not he wants children, and I'm sure I don't. He said, "I just haven't met anyone I want to have kids with yet." I took that to mean that he did want them. He just hasn't found the right person. I am obviously not that person.

I'm disappointed. The sex had gotten so great. Like I'd mentioned in the last entry, we'd stopped using condoms, and it really is better, dammit. Once we'd uhm, been a bit caught in the act. We'd gone swimming at a friend's, who lives in a high-rise with a rooftop pool. We couldn't keep our hands off each other, so we did it in the bathroom. Nobody saw, but a couple of people had walked in, seen two sets of legs in the stall, and quickly exited.

I guess I need to think about the good and the bad. Bad news is that I won't be getting laid anytime soon. After dating Ryan for almost 6 months, I'm just not ready yet for anything with anyone. I'm not sure if I'll jump back into bed with Will...but it would be so easy. Will has already come to my rescue as much as he knows how, chatting online. We haven't hung out in person since before I met Ryan, because well, there really was no need.

But would I want to sleep with him ever again? I just don't know. Maybe once we could hang out and just not do anything, just get drunk and watch some DVDs or something. I might need an easy start. At least he's been really nice and supportive. It's nice to see him becoming more of a grownup, even though I still don't really view him as more than a friend who is also a great lay.

As good as the sex with Ryan was, it wasn't TOO adventurous. I wonder if that's something we'd eventually have gotten to as the relationship continued, or if Ryan would have never been into it at all. He never tied me up, even though we'd talked about it, and he'd even put ties on his bedframe and everything. I never really dressed up as anything. He didn't seem to care much about that. Hell, some of my lingerie hasn't made it out of my closet since I was sleeping with Will. Ryan could have stood to kink it up a bit more. Again, I don't know that he'd never have been up for it.

And we'd still never gotten as consistent as Will and I had. We'd come to orgasm together a few times, but he still didn't get off just because I was getting off. I guess I shouldn't be too upset. I mean, it was great, but I still think there is potential for better sex in my life.

Mike talked to me online almost immediately after it happened. He tried to hit me up for action, but I told him I wasn't ready. Honestly, he's great, but after experiencing cocks the size of Ryan's, Will's, and Liam's...I just don't want to bother with Mike's.

One thing though. If I do sleep with Will again, fuck, I am going to have to get in shape. I gained a little over 10 pounds while dating Ryan. I'm not sure what caused it--being on the pill, having him cook not the healthiest foods for me, or us going out to eat all the time and also therefore not eating as healthily. Or any combination of those things. I wonder if I should stay on the pill, since I still have refills left on my prescription. I finished out my old pack that I'd obviously started when Ryan and I were still dating, but do I keep going or not? I got the new pack, but I wouldn't start till tomorrow. Or since I don't think I'll be having sex anytime soon, maybe just keep the pill packs for now, then start up again later? I think that might be the best option. At least I know going off the pill isn't going to hurt my ability to drop those extra pounds.

I know it shouldn't really matter, but it was just more important to look good for Will, since what we had was purely physical. Plus, Will is in great shape, defined and very lean, and Ryan had well, a few extra pounds, so well, I didn't feel so bad when I added a few.

So well...that's where I'm at. I recently went on vacation (escape of breakup sadness), and I had a random guy hit on me and kiss me. It was awful. Ugh, I hate that all I could think of was that I'd so much rather be kissing Ryan. The really bad thing is that I know I can do better than Ryan. I've gotten better looking guys before, including Will. I'm really going to try not to get too down about this. We'll see.

Still with Ryan

Okay, now it's been awhile. It's that annoying "Is he my boyfriend?" time with me and Ryan. I'll assume yes. I keep throwing things out there, like mentioning other guys, and he shrugs them off, saying stuff like, "There better not be other guys!" and laughing. I still haven't introduced him to any of my friends. I've met a ton of his friends. I'm just so hesitant to do that, before I really know. But I got tired of having to explain that I wasn't sure to a couple of guys who were hitting on me (Mike is one), so I just changed everything to "In a Relationship." Ryan has not done the same thing. Oh well. He doesn't seem to notice that I've even changed mine.

The sex is still fun. Something majorly different: I am on the pill now. I have been for almost a month. Last week, Ryan and I started having sex without a condom. It's vastly different for him, I know. But it's a little different for me too. (I'd never actually done it before.) Somehow it feels more raw, emotional, romantic...but ugh, it just feels awkward when he doesn't pull out. He did the first couple of times, but then he stopped, because of course I'm sure it feels better not to pull out. But things inside me just feel weird when he does that. Like sticky or drippy or something. I'd say TMI, but nobody's reading this.

We still haven't quite gotten into a groove though. Sometimes it's great, and sometimes it's subpar. Yesterday the first time was kind of not-so-great, but I can attribute that to the fact that we hadn't seen each other in a few days (so he didn't last very long). He said something similar, and that at least once a day was ideal for him. And that's good, since that's ideal for me too.

It's not boring at least. But of course I have to compare it to Will. Things with Will just had gotten so consistent. And I loved that he got off JUST by my getting off. I mean, it wasn't like that every time, but it was most of the time. Ryan does not get off when I get off. I don't think we've ever managed to match things up quite right. Even when I get off after what I feel is a decent amount of sex, he still doesn't get off till later. And this sounds so bad, but fucking hell, why doesn't he get off from me getting off?

Damn Will and Liam and their amazing sex moments.

Though of course, with Ryan it's been nice to have romantic sex again. Will and I hadn't even done it totally naked since we'd started sleeping together again. He always needed the getup. And while I enjoy it sometimes, it definitely can't be all the time. Even when I wear sexy things, Ryan likes to strip me down before we actually have sex, which is sweet. And we've been sleeping together for over a month, and I still haven't even shown him all of my lingerie, which is nice.

I got weird and emotional around him yesterday. I'm not even sure totally why. It's almost like I could see myself reacting the way that I was, from a distance, like I was watching myself or something...I was almost crying for no really good reason. I just don't know. I'm so scared of getting close to him. I don't want to get close if it's not forever, and I don't think either of us thinks this is forever. For example, I've made it clear that I don't want kids. And he still talks like he may be interested in them. So he obviously doesn't see himself as living happily ever after with me.

As for me...I'm not sure if he's serious enough for me. But I really don't know him well enough to know for sure. I just don't know. I hate not knowing. I wish that I could just fast-forward through this difficult part of my life and on to the easy, happy part.

More on Ryan

Okay, I guess I was just a little freaked out by all of the changes. I haven't really dated anyone in about a year! I feel a lot better than I did when I wrote the last entry. Last Monday Ryan and I had sex again, and it was fun. I did get off when he went down on me. (I had a feeling I would. Even though I didn't get off the last time, I was drunk, but not so drunk that I didn't realize he was clearly good at what he was doing.) And he got off with me on top, which I always like. We haven't done it in the past week, since I've been on my period, though I'm sure we will this weekend. He's definitely strong enough to...take control, so I'm excited about that. This is totally ridiculous, but he sent me a dirty text message...and it kind of made me like him more. Oh, and I did actually choose to think of him the last couple of times I've hit the vibe.

As for the non-sex stuff, I guess after having a talk with my friend Belle, I got a little perspective. She's dating a guy right now, and I think he's just not quite right for her. She told me someone asked her to describe how she felt about him, and she said that he was great, but there just weren't fireworks. Then her friend said, fine, but do you like him more and more every day? And Belle replied that she thought she liked him the same. And I was afraid of that with Ryan, because there just wasn't that tingly feeling after our initial drunken meeting. But I thought about it today, and I realize he's kind of...winning me over.

It doesn't usually happen like that for me. But what I've been doing before hasn't been working, so why not give something else a shot? He's still talking to me every day via phone or facebook, and I've known him almost a month. (I do wish we had a bit of IM banter, but we do have facebook IM banter, so that's something.) And he's taken me out a couple of times. Cooked dinner for me three times. Seriously, he's going to make me fat!

But I find him bringing out my romantic side. I want to leave stupid little sweet notes around his house. I want to get him potholders.

I come back to the thoughts of Belle and her guy. She told me today that he's a great guy, but he's not the best kisser, and the sex is just too vanilla for her liking. At least Ryan is a good kisser, so I have that so far. Obviously we haven't been having enough sex yet for me to worry about it being vanilla. He did mention that he wanted to see me in an uhh, sexy halloween costume that I have. Belle's guy didn't even get excited about her corset or vampy vinyl boots. Somehow I don't think I'll have a problem with Ryan in that area though. At least I hope not. Maybe, the next time he comes over, I'll already be dressed up in some sexy lingerie.

But I'm feeling better in general (much to my relief). Oh, and I told Will about him. He asked how long we'd been dating, but I think he got the idea. Why does it even make me sad? I knew that things with him would end once I met someone, since he doesn't really date. Hopefully the sex with Ryan will be totally amazing soon once we get used to each other, then I won't feel like I'm missing out on anything with Will. We'll see.

Ryan

Okay, so I really should have written sooner, but I just haven't had time. I started seeing a new guy, Ryan. I met him two weeks ago, and things are going fine so far. I say fine, because I feel like I should be happier than I am with him. He's affectionate. He likes to cook. He's got manners. But I'm just concerned that there's not enough attraction. When we hang out, it's fun. But I don't feel the electricity that I have with some other guys. This sounds so awful, but I just love the attention.

The other day he mentioned wanting to take a trip in May. I was thinking, "Am I still going to be seeing him in May?" This is so bad. I don't know what it is. Something is just missing. Oh, and even worse, he took me out last night. Cooked me one of the best meals I've had in my life, too. And we went back to his place and drank. We ended up having sex. I wish we wouldn't have had our first time drunk. It was awkward. He went down on me like, forever, and I didn't get off. It's harder when I'm drunk.

Again, this is horrible. It just...was not great sex. I really hope it's because he was just as drunk as I was. Fuck, Will really spoiled me. I was just so used to the amazing sex that we have. We haven't in about two months. Part of it was because I'd met Ryan, but the first part of it was just I think...we may have just run out of ideas. He was wanting to buy me a new costume. Yes, buy me. But I was having a hard time telling him that my size was a bit bigger than he was predicting. Things just kind of got weird after that. Shit, I even bought the boots he wanted me to get...and they are still in the box. (Guess I could dress up for Ryan. He'd love it.)

This is got to the be the worst entry I've written in awhile. I just feel restless. I know when I realized something was wrong with the way I feel about Ryan: when I was masturbating the other night, I didn't think about him. Normally I think about the guy I'm seeing...and I was thinking about Mark instead. Mark, who is visiting later this month. Sex isn't spectacular with him either, but it's very fun and casual. But now...can I still have sex with him, now that I'm officially sleeping with Ryan? Probably not. Man, I wish I could think about something other than the fact that I want to call up Will right now and fuck the hell out of him...

Uneventful date

This past weekend I had my first date since I've started writing in this journal. It was with a guy I'd just met online. I hadn't wanted to meet right away, but he was pushy about it, so I agreed to have lunch with him. It was pretty lackluster. As it usually is when I barely know someone, I could barely keep eye contact, and I felt like he was staring at me the entire time. And I definitely didn't have any chemistry with him. It was a free meal, at least. But overall, my first date in months was pretty mediocre. At least I tried though. I had to start somewhere.

I actually even got online yesterday and told Will about it. We hung out last week--he came over. I went down on him...and it was kind of weird after. After he came, he kind of rolled over and put his arms around me. Sometimes he'll do that before we do anything, but not usually after. We kind of cuddled for a few minutes, then he put on his boxers, and we kept watching DVDs. That was pretty normal. But the whole snuggling after was a little odd. And when he left, I felt like he was going to hug me, but I kind of walked towards the door, and he backed off a bit.

However, he didn't seem weirded out when I told him about my date, so hopefully that other stuff doesn't mean anything. I know I've said this before, but again, I'm probably overanalyzing things because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Oh yeah, but one other thing--Will asked what I was doing the next few weekends. Again, not sure why. He's starting a new job, so that'll be his only time off, maybe he wants to limit things to the weekend. Lately we've only been doing stuff during the week, since I make it known to him that I'm very busy on weekends. And I am. I have a pretty active social life, but I don't go out much during the week, so that's when Will and I have been hanging out.

But how bad is this...when I was on the date, I immediately thought the guy was much less attractive than Will...not to mention overweight, and Will is definitely not that. Sleeping with Will is kind of spoiling me...unfortunately for me and for any guy I'm trying to date, Will is slim and very attractive...so of course I feel like any guy I date has got to be just as or more attractive than Will.

Mike talked to me today...saying he wanted to watch more of a show I apparently got him hooked on the last time we hung out (which I also showed to Will the last time we hung out)...so wonder if I'll be seeing him anytime soon. At least he's a good kisser...Will and I haven't really been kissing lately...he's a great kisser, but it was just a bit awkward...so lately we've been skipping it. So maybe I will hang out with Mike....who knows.

More shopping with Will

So it's January. I realize that mine and Will's non-relationship has lasted longer than our actual relationship did. I don't know what that says about me. Or him.

Yesterday we went to a couple of "stripper stores" to look for outfits. Okay, can I just say how weird that is? He actually suggested it. I think it was weirder for me than it was for him. We didn't get anything. It's obviously been awhile since the last outfit was purchased, so I can tell he's getting anxious, especially since I think he's seen all of my corsets and bustiers. We've already picked out some new shoes. I think he'd actually buy them for me, but I have got to throw down some cash for some sort of new outfit. The problem is that I really find it difficult to spend money on things that are only for him, since we're not in any sort of relationship. I mean, man, if he would have told me he was into this kind of thing when we would have been dating, I would have been all over that. But Will's happiness isn't really a priority for me. And I still can't believe he never brought this up while we were dating.

But oh, last night after we got back from our shopping...the sex continues to be so good. I came kind of quickly, since it'd been awhile since we'd had sex, but still he came right after I did. If I get off first, he always immediately comes after me. It's really nice. I enjoy the fact that he gets off just from me getting off...Liam was like that too. I guess it's particularly satisfying with Will though, because I still think he is genuinely disappointed if I don't get off. And I don't like to disappoint!

We hung out for quite awhile afterwards too. I'm not even sure why. I mean, it was Friday night and everything. I already have plans tonight (and Aaron is going to be there--I get to see him with his rail-thin blonde girlfriend who hates me for obvious reasons, blech), so I didn't mind staying in...can't go out every night. Will also apparently had a lackluster New Year's Eve, and he had to listen to me talk about the amazingly fun party I attended. (However, I did not tell him about the sexy guy I was kissing there...again, like the thing with Jacob, I think I needed some affection.)

Now that all the holiday craziness is dying down, I wonder if it's time for me to actually start finding a guy to actually date. Between all the stuff with Will and Liam plus the holiday season, I had been too busy to date. Of course, there's still the trouble of actually finding someone...man, I just hope whoever I end up finding is as good in bed as Will.